hmmm I sit here trying to think of an awesome title to this post to sum up what I am going to say but just can't think of anything that truly captures it.

I have been feeling so good the last month and I will say it is due to the exercise and eating. I was sliding into a dark hole and was really struggling. As I've posted before so many things going on and just not dealing with them... as those who know me know I don't :-( I'll help anyone with their issues and always there for anyone but find it hard to let others do the same for me.

Since I have been dieting .... hold on not "DIETING"... Um eating healthier and also exercising I feel that my soul is a lot happier. I don't feel so stressed out about things and the world seems more positive. I know there are things I can change and there are things I can't. Spending my time stressing over these things are not going to make my life any better. I wake up thankful that I am alive, that I have the time to correct my health and lifestyle. That I have a loving husband even if we are not in the same house together for a great length of time these days. I have two of the most beautiful, good natured, healthy girls who I love dearly. I have an awesome family who I miss terribly and wish we got to see each other more. The best group of friends. Sure I am not in the financial position I want to be but I am on unpaid maternity leave so I know that will be rectified once working again. Sure I am not at my goal weight, but I am working on it daily. Sure I miss family and friends from afar but I have some great ones here close by too. I guess you just have to look at what is right with the world sometimes and try to forget about what is wrong with it.

I just had a great visit with my sister Tracy, her partner Kevin and my niece Layla. It was so nice to have them here and to spend some quality time with them. As Tracy can agree we have had our issues in the past, but that is where these things should lay.. in the past. It was nice to exercise together and chat and it was just wonderful. Was sad to see them go :-(

Apart from one morning which was Thursday morning where I chose to sleep in we were doing something. A run/walk every morning before breakfast. It was great. It showed me I can get out with the girls first thing in the morning. Lucille gets her cranky pants on though so I guess having the two of them before breakfast in the pram may not be ideal but it worked. Friday I did my own session that I just love. I do 20 minutes on the treadmill on varying speed every couple of minutes and alternating the incline. But my speed does not drop below 6.5kmh. Then I pop on Michelle Bridges Tight Toned Terrific dvd and do 2 rounds of the Chest and Back, Triceps and Biceps, Leg Conditioning and Abs work out. Then back on the treadmill for 15 minutes. I will be heading back to the gym this week too to get a variation back into my routines. I am due my reassessment so will get that done within the fortnight.

Andrew got back early last night and it was lovely to see him. He has certainly noticed a difference and devastatingly it is in my boobs he reckons lol . Pfft Men!!! I want it in my hips, butt and stomach. It is gone there too he says and he can really notice. But of course the boobs is the saddest part lol.

Tonight I made him my clean Chicken Parmi
So here is the recipe.

• 1 chicken breast  ( sliced length ways to make two pieces.  I weigh them to make sure mine is no more than 100gms)
• cup of almond meal
• 1 egg whisked
• tin of organic diced tomatoes (check there is no added sugar)
• 2 cloves of garlic minced
• tbs of Gourmet Garden Basil (can use fresh or jar also)
• 1/2 onion diced
• 1/2 jar of Organic Passata (available at Woolies. If Singleton has it then it should be available anywhere lol)
• 1/2 cup of olive oil. You can use sesame or any other oil I just prefer to stick with olive oil
• 1/2 cup of low fat Ricotta (you can use Cottage Cheese)

Whisk egg in a bowl. Dip the chicken pieces in the egg.
Place the almond meal in a separate bowl and  place the chicken in it. Coating each piece.
Heat the olive oil in the fry pan and brown the chicken
Once browned place to the side on a plate with a couple of sheets of paper towel to catch any extra oil.

In another fry pan, brown the onion, add the garlic and basil. Once aromatic add the passata and tin tomato.  Let this simmer for 10 mins.

In a baking dish place some sauce on the bottom, then add chicken, the rest of the sauce. Top with the Ricotta on each piece.

bake in oven for 25 mins.
Serve with some mashed sweet potato and steamed greens.

DELICIOUS!!!!!!!

Crazy!!!!

that is what life is at the moment. I feel like I have no time for anything, but then I don't feel like I am doing anything.

I think it may just be tiredness catching up with me. Lucille has been crazy unsettled this week and I am not sure why. I am thinking teeth as there is no other visible signs of anything else. Today though she seems much better. Thank the stars! Still a little bit clingy but not like yesterday. She is having a sleep now. I am going to get stuck into cleaning so that when she wakes if she is a little clingy monster then I am ahead. I wanted to jump on treadmill and do some weights but might wait for arvo sleep.

I am so proud of how well I am adjusting to the new eating style. It really is easier to cook clean wholesome meals. It is so easy once you are prepared with pre-cut salads eg tomato, onion, capsicum, cucumber, fresh beetroot. Then it is a matter of throwing it all together.  Tonight I am going to make a clean version of Chicken Parmigiana. Basically that is throw some chicken breast in the pan to cook. Whilst that is cooking just get a jar of Passata (tomato sauce low in sugar and sodium) heat slightly in a saucepan then add some garlic and basil. I will be adding some chopped mushrooms, grated zucchini. A little salt and pepper to taste. Then in an over proof baking dish put some sauce on the base of the dish, then the chicken on top then spread the rest of the sauce over the chicken. Add a tablespoon of Ricotta over each chicken breast and bake in the oven at 180 degrees for approx 25 mins. OH SOO GOOD! Will post a pic. I am trying my hardest to not have food packed full of preservatives. So fresh fruit and veg and meat and then spices to taste. I eat Jalna Greek Yoghurt. If I have to crumb anything then I use Almond meal to do this. Will learn to make my own almond meal too!

We all really should try and eat cleaner as food these days are so packed full of preservatives. Eleanor loves Chicken nuggets and we all know how much they are not 100% chicken. I tried and failed making my own. But my friend Cindy gave me a link to some preservative free options and I also got one from the clean eating forum I am on so will try them. I have no dramas getting her to eat Veg it is just the meat side of things. See how they go.

oooh and don't tell Andrew but I don't mind mowing the yard. It is still a suck arse job and I still believe it is a Male's job BUT I do appreciate the physical aspects of it and know I am burning some serious calories in our yard doing it!!! So once the boy is back I MAY do it again though he may not let me as he agrees it is his job :-) Oh and I sure as shit won't be whipper snippering!

If you need a good work out with the kids... plop them in the washing basket and run up and down the hallway a few times.. like 10 times with it.. Was such a workout. I was seriously puffed.  My legs and butt were burning.. That is escalated when Eleanor says mummy run faster!! The funny thing was after we finished she put her toys in the basket and ran up and down the hall way and I could hear her puffing. She walks out to me in the kitchen and says ... Jesus that is hard work mum!!! love it.. she says the funniest things. I'd be lost without her

YEEEEEEHAAAAAA

ok that is possibly the worst attempt ever of a cowgirl jumping on her horse but that is the picture!!! ha ha

Today woke up with renewed energy and determination. Lucille down for a sleep and I am on the treadmill and weights.

1 hour 12 mins later and I have burnt 535 calories!

I was on tready at 6.5km hr no incline for 15 mins with every 2nd minute for 2 minutes running at 7.4kmh. I even pushed myself at one stage to run for 3mins!!! I was so sore and wanted to stop but just kept thinking no pain no gain!

I then did some ab, triceps, biceps and back work as per Michelle Bridges Dvd. I had also downloaded an app for my phone which had some butt work on it so did that. Millions of lunges and squats with and without weights. I did 50 kettle bell swings (though I used 2 x 2.5kg weights that I held in my hands together)

I felt so good and just realised what I had been missing the last couple of days in my slump.

I am back to eating clean and won't be allowing any deviations from clean eating until I am in double digits! 11.2kgs to go!!! Yes that seems like ages away but with dedication it won't be. Slow and steady I know :-) I've had 2-3 days of semi clean eating and no exercise. I will not be using PMS as an excuse anymore!!!!

I feel so good after my session.

ooh I have sorted out the issue to ensuring I am getting enough water. I have a few different water bottles at home so rather than filling the same one up. I just drink one at a time through the day so I can see where I am up to and if I need to drink more. Has been working wonders today. Thanks to Jacque for that idea!

I am off to Newcastle tomorrow for some IPL on my underarms. So sick of shaving those buggers and Ella Rouge had an amazing price of $9!! SO that is tomo. No gym I'm afraid but I will commit to getting to bed on time today and to a fat burning walk before Lucy wakes. I'll be up about 545!!! Jeepers lol

My best

ok so I have printed this out and put it on my motivation poster on my ensuite door.
If I stick to this then I can not fail.

Stress

so much going on at the moment and I feel like it is just getting on top of me.

I have not had 2 particularly good days.. Today was my worst. I ate 2 mini lamingtons and a chocolate gold coin and some of Eleanor's curly chips. I knew when I ate them that it was wrong but I said fark it I'm eating them.

Did they make me feel better?.. hmmm temporarily
Did they taste good?.. yes but then no.. My mind kept saying these are so not good for your body. I guess that over shadowed the taste
Am I regretting it?.. you bet I am. I've been so good trying to get myself on track and to sabotage it is crazy!!! I know that it is one moment and it ends now. But I hate myself for being weak for that moment.

I blame PMS symptoms cause seriously I have no patience at the moment and so buggered. The time Andrew is away is really starting to take it's toll.

There's a few things going on that we are trying to deal with and I think they are just getting on top of me. With him away there is a bit of stuff left not cleared up and I look forward to his return with excitement but also anxiousness. I want to desperately return to work as I need the adult company and also the financial gain will help us. In saying that I have this guilty feeling that I should be at home with my kids and not craving that time out. It is just a terrible pressure we place on ourselves as mothers. Lucille would benefit socially being at day care I know that as I know what Eleanor went through.

Anyway I am off to get some sleep and the world will be beautiful and bright tomorrow :-)

 I like this one as I think it relates to the way I was feeling yesterday. I am not losing faith. I know that I have this one in the bag. It is not a question of "if" it is a question of  "when"

 Ooh I hope so!!!! Love her curves!

 I am a caterpillar who will become a butterfly. My outside will reflect my inside :-)

 I am trying to wake up every day without excuses. I saw this and thought yep.. that's me :-)

 I like the saying on this one but I also think her body is hot!

 I found this one last night and then when I jump on FB today my friend Toni had posted it to my wall. It is definitely something I think. Can't believe she picked it too!!!!!

 I can't wait to have a healthy toned strong body!!!!!

 Amen. I love it. Loving being back in the gym too!

Start with food as that is 80% of the equation and then factor in your exercise and voila perfect formula! Can't all happen at once so take your time, put in 100% effort daily and I'll get there!

 I am trying every day to do just that!

 For sure!!!! If you believe that you can push hard for 5mins on the Cross Trainer at 12.5RPM Level 5 then yep the body does it!!!

I am looking forward to a healthier brighter future. Where I am not so depressed about being over weight. Where I can live in my relationship physically not just emotionally. Where I can be more social and not be uncomfortable. To eat cleaner foods that I know nourish my body, I will miss the crap but only because it is good tasting crap ha ha but I know that it is not the way to live. I don't even believe you can have them in moderation as they still don't give me any nutritional benefit. Sure I am going to crave naughty foods. but after a while I know I won't. The future is where my head is at!

Woo hoo!!!! I am a winner baby!

ok so I won a Lorna Jane shirt! I have only ever owned a Lorna Jane head band. Never any clothes. I coudl ahve worn them years ago but I guess it is not until now that I am older that I appreciate quality clothing more than always trying to go budget.
So this is the shirt I won!

I can't wait to get it in the mail!!!! I doubt it is going to fit but that is ok I can hang it up on my door so that it is always there to inspire me. Plus when I am on treadmill I will have it there.

Will take a pic so I can use it as a measure of how well it is fitting.

yay for me!!!!

I won it on Freak'n'Fit Gym Motivation's FB page. Has some pretty good quotes on there and other helpful info.

feeling blah today

well today I have felt the weight of the world on my shoulders.

I really feel like I need a big hug. I thin just being with the girls 24/7 almost and not having Andrew here is starting to bug me. I don't want to turn to food. That is not my stress.

I really feel like "oh my god. What if I fail at this too?" "What if this ends up being another wasted attempt?" I know that these are silly thoughts and I really am on top of it all but I guess sometimes the ghosts of our pasts lay waiting to spring up on us!

Today I just felt yuck. I made today my rest day and I hated it. I really felt like I should be doing something. I know that my body needs rest but I feel like if I am not moving then neither is this fat! I just don't want to be fat Wendi anymore. She has lived a miserable existence the past year at least if not a little more lately. I just don't want go back to her. I've lost 5ish kgs and I feel better for it and that will not be coming back on! But I guess you doubt yourself sometimes.

Ok no more negative thoughts. I can do this. I have the knowledge, and knowledge is power right!!?! I will stop being negative cause what we send out into the universe well it delivers sometimes doesn't it!!!! So positivity only from this moment.. I still need a hug. A big bear one!!! But I will fill myself with positivity!!

I have Zumba tomorrow so I can't wait to be laughing my arse of in that when I stuff up all the moves!!! Such a great giggle! Just what I need :-) Just hope my girls co-operate in the morn to get me there on time! Well Lucille really but understandable if she is grumpy as she got her needles today :-(

Nighty night off to get to bed on time :-)

Music from Ipod

ok we all love a good Ipod listing and let's be honest good music makes us move!!!!!
So in response to Carolyn's request about songs on iPod here is my list.
Some songs are a bit slower and others full on. Sometimes I have songs I want to remove and other times I want to stay. Hope you like.... you are allowed to not like it :-)

• Amazing (Thin White Duke Edit) 3:27 Seal 
• Ass Back Home 3:42 Gym Class Heroes (feat. Neon Hitch)
• Because of You 4:27 Ne-Yo 
• Black Box 3:27 Stan Walker 
• Burn 2:54 Jessica Mauboy 
• Can't Touch It 2:58 Ricki-Lee 
• Closer 3:56 Ne-Yo Closer
• Cold As Ice (Workout Remix) 5:14 Power Music Workout Shape Walk
• Dirty Dancer 3:35 Enrique Iglesias & Usher 
• Disturbia 3:59 Rihanna 
• DJ Got Us Fallin' In Love (feat. Pitbull) 3:42 Usher 
• Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough (Single Version) 5:51 Michael Jackson 
• Don't Wanna Go Home 3:26 Jason Derülo 
• Firework 3:48 Katy Perry 
• Forever 4:41 Chris Brown 
• Get It 3:40 Havana Brown 
• Give Me All Your Luvin' (feat. Nicki Minaj & M.I.A.) 3:22 Madonna 
• Give Me Everything (feat. Ne-Yo, Afrojack & Nayer) 4:16 Pitbull 
• Good Feeling 4:07 Flo Rida 
• Hear No, See No, Speak No (Radio Edit) 3:57 Ricki-Lee 
• Hey Baby (Drop It to the Floor) [feat. T-Pain] 3:56 Pitbull 
• I Kissed a Girl 3:01 Katy Perry 
• I Like That 3:58 Richard Vission, Static Revenger & Luciana 
• Inescapable 3:36 Jessica Mauboy 
• Jumpstart 3:29 These Kids Wear Crowns 
• Little Bad Girl (feat. Taio Cruz & Ludacris) 3:12 David Guetta 
• Low (Workout Remix) 5:36 Power Music Workout Top 40 Hits Remixed, Vol. 2
• Meet Me Halfway (Radio Edit) 3:46 The Black Eyed Peas 
• More 3:49 Usher 
• Morning After Dark (feat. Nelly Furtado & SoShy) 3:53 Timbaland 
• Moves Like Jagger (feat. Christina Aguilera) 3:21 Maroon 5 
• Naked 3:59 Dev & Enrique Iglesias 
• Not Myself Tonight 3:05 Christina Aguilera 
• On the Floor (feat. Pitbull) 3:51 Jennifer Lopez 
• Only Girl (In the World) 3:55 Rihanna 
• Party In the U.S.A. 3:23 Miley Cyrus 
• Party Rock Anthem (feat. Lauren Bennet & GoonRock) 4:23 LMFAO 
• Play That Funky Music 5:02 Wild Cherry 
• Revolver (One Love Remix) 2:59 Madonna 
• Set It Off 3:20 Timomatic 
• Sex On Fire 3:25 Kings of Leon 
• Take Care (feat. Rihanna) 4:37 Drake 
• Telephone 3:41 Lady GaGa & Beyoncé 
• Tonight (I'm Lovin' You) [feat. Ludacris & DJ Frank E] 3:52 Enrique Iglesias 
• Turn Around (5,4,3,2,1) 3:21 Flo Rida 
• Turn Up the Music 3:49 Chris Brown 
• Up / Down 3:26 Jessica Mauboy 
• Where Them Girls At (feat. Nicki Minaj & Flo Rida) 3:15 David Guetta 
• Wild Ones (feat. Sia) 3:54 Flo Rida 
• Without You (feat. Usher) 3:28 David Guetta & Usher 

Food

just quickly I thought i would post my food.
So first thing I had some Luke warm water with lemon juice in it. Very tart but so refreshing. It really is.. Weird!!

Breakfast- Mountain bread Rye wrap with 2 poached eggs, rocket and baby spinach and 2 short cut bacon slices. ( now I know bacon is processed but it is still protein and I love it) No sauce needed as my eggs are runny and that is enough for me!! YUMMY!!!!

Snack- Protein shake as I had finished at gym

Lunch- 1 Slice of home made white bread... YES YES I know but I didn't have any Ryvitas or Rye bread left. 2 tbs Ricotta cheese, 100g free range organic ham (just woolies deli section), Rocket, baby Spinach, capsicum, cucumber and shallots.  Oh so goooooood!

Snack- 2 Protein balls

Dinner-  left over Spinach and Ricotta Lasagna. Made from my Michelle Bridges book that I had froze. It would still be within clean eating guidelines apart from the Lasagna sheets used not the mountain bread. Still minimal and I am not worried. Had that with some snow peas, Brussel sprouts, baby peas and broccoli. Again soooooo good!!!!

No snack after dinner... Almost a Vegemite sanger but nope!! :-)
Copious amounts of water!!!!!!!

Will post my meal plan tomorrow for the rest of the week..

nighty night xxx
ps this is a new fave of mine!!! Soooo love it when I saw it. So going to be me rocking a hot bod.. Maybe not as hot as this but certainly something to be proud of!

Now this one is very thought provoking. Now keep it clean ladies, I didn't even think of Andrew when I saw this. I just thought oh my god how much fun will it be to buy decent underwear and not be covered up in Flannel pjs or baggy tops and daggy bras due to my big boobs adn alck of confidence in my body! yes I know they will still be big, my boobs that is, but not this big that they are now!!! Kinda reminds me of that special k ad where the mum sees the sexy red knickers at the shops and then as she is reaching up you can see them under her jeans. Will be me. I will just love knowing something lovely is underneath my clothes as opposed to daggy, dodgy shit! Time to take more pride in my appearance and feel good about me!

Hi my Name is Wendi.. and I am addicted!!!

I love exercising. If I am not exercising then I feel like crap. I think I am addicted to that feeling you get after a good cardio session.

Today at the gym I did my normal program but at the end of the treadmill session I jumped on the cross trainer for 5 mins and pushed hard. I kept the RPM above 12 on level 5!!! Just didn't stop. My calories were not quite 500 yet so I needed to boost them up. Well yeah got from 426 to 488 quickly!!!!! I was absolutely shattered!!! I was exhausted. But I loved it. I then did my sit ups and push ups and stretched. I felt like I could go again. ha ha it was funny.

I was thinking wow I am addicted to exercise. Now I know what Toni is saying when she feels like poo when she doesn't go.. Then I found the above pic and I laughed to myself.

I have Lucille's needles tomo so won't do gym but I will certainly put myself through a weights session as she sleeps. Need to keep on top of the cardio along with toning. Muscle burns more calories right.  I want nice toned arms again! oooh and legs too!

oooh and some success in mindless eating too. I was making Eleanor's lunch for preschool tomo and cut out her dinosaur with the cookie cutter. yes Eleanor is a dinosaur fan!!! lol anyway there was some left over bread. Normally I would just pop it in my mouth and eat it. Mindless eating was my biggest downfall. Anyway I just quickly scooped it up and put it in the bin before my mind could even tell me to eat it. Yes I know I can have a Vegemite sandwich but not at 830 at night. Useless carbs in the body!!! I can't believe how my mind has changed!!!! I am set in my mind to get rid of this weight. I am never going backwards again. never!!!!! Found this today and thought oooh that sounds like my thoughts earlier today lol

Anyway peeps nighty night. I am half hour over my curfew!!!!

Weigh In Day

woo hoo 1.6kg Down!!!!! It was shaping to be a bigger number but I'll take that thanks!! I'd even take 100gms if it meant it was no longer on my bum!!!!!

Very pleased of that thank you!!!!

Off to the gym. Just a got a call and a space has opene din the creche so have to jump on it!!!


5.3kgs since I started again and 4kgs in 2 weeks!!!!!

Some goals for the week

Now without weighing in tomorrow and knowing the result of the last week I am going to jump straight in and set some goals. I am still unsure of some Major goals I want to achieve as at the moment I am focused on weight loss. Actually I want to get into double digits. Once I do that I will focus more on where I want to go goal wise from there.

1. Eat 100% clean with no slip ups...any carbs to be had no later than lunch
2. Exercise daily with a rest day
3. Aim to get to the gym twice this week minimum
4. Be organised with meals eg cut up veg and have them in the fridge ready for meals
5. Drink 2+ litres of water a day... more when exercising
6. Burn at least 500 calories per session.. do whatever it takes to get there.. lunges, squats, push ups, step ups etc
7. Get to bed by 9pm every night thus giving body the rest it needs!!!! THIS IS A MAJOR GOAL
8. Post daily with one positive I've taken out of the day, any exercise completed and food eaten.

I find that number 8 is important in regards to food as although I am not counting calories I think it is important to ensure that I am eating enough food for the exercise that is being completed.

chat soon when I let you know how this week went! Big number I hope... but doesn't matter if not. I know things feel loser already!

I am rocking it

I can't believe the changes I have made to me. I guess sometimes everything falls into place eventually.

I hate missing a workout now!

I hate it because I know how good it is for my body.
I hate it because I love how I feel after I do it.... yes that "I am absolutely buggered" feeling of accomplishment.
I hate it because I know that without it I will not lose the weight I want.
I hate it cause it gives me the sanity break and fresh air I need when feeling like I'm not getting breaks.

I love eating!
I love eating because I now know how to make the right food choices
I love eating  because food is no longer about "living to eat, it is eating to live"
I love eating  because although I miss some of my old favourites eg Pasta Carbonara, I have found some new favourites! Those which are better for my body.
I love eating as it is getting me to be creative and learning new recipes and experience foods I would otherwise think was for rabbits!
I love eating as it is no longer about having to closely monitor the mathematical side but more about knowing what is good and bad for my body.

I have struggled for so long with getting the equation right. I love exercise so that really at times was not the issue. It was finding the food lifestyle that suited myself and my family.

I know Andrew is proud of me for really sticking this out and I think he is loving the new happiness in me. He can only of course experience that in a text or a call but I am sure he can tell the difference in my attitude and the happy woman he fell in love with is back.

Now I am not saying I will never eat bad.... I am saying that I will always try to make the right food choice first.. I guess the thing is that when you have a bad food choice that you don't  turn that moment into a whole day or days, weeks etc. Forgive yourself that one bad meal and move on.

Another thing I am also not trying to do is rewarding myself with food after a fabulous exercise effort. I am trying to not let the mentality of  "you've been really good so you deserve it". So yes I smashed 1000 calories yesterday but if I was to eat a high calorie meal or reward myself with some chocolate or something like tim tams then what is the point to exercising. I read on a forum recently. "you are not a dog so why reward yourself for being good with food". It was something like that anyway. I agree. If we are going to flog our bodies only to put crap back in then why exercise at all. I would rather reward myself with the knowledge that I am better than I was yesterday.

Now if you were to rewind a few months, even a few weeks, this is definitely not my mental state. I was a woman who was broken. Who hated herself. Who felt useless. I had so many issues from my weight that life was shit. I was always self conscious in social situations and greatly would shy away from them as the thought of meeting new people stressed me. I felt so terribly unattractive. Felt not worthy to have 2 beautiful cherubs. The way I felt about myself was really affecting my marriage to the point that I was not accepting any blame for things going downhill. I saw Andrew going away as a good send as I wouldn't have to try to be happy. That I wouldn't seem like a failure as a wife. Now for those of you who don't know Andrew, well he is very opinionated, very old school. I would say he is a reincarnate of someone from the 50's, a sexist and at times racist man.. His values and thoughts seem straight out of that era. We joke a lot about a "what a woman's job is".  The cleaner, the nanny, the lover, the financial controller etc. I guess with the way things were getting I felt like a failure in so many of these areas. To have him go away for 6 weeks and not feel like this was very appealing.  So off he went. I thought automatically that the stress levels would drop and I would feel better but they didn't. The issue was not with Andrew but with me. He wasn't making me feel bad I was doing that all on my own. I was the one putting all these unnecessary pressures on myself. After a recent holiday I began questioning what kind of mother I was and was I raising my girls right. Was I too tough on them, should they have more freedoms, was Andrew supporting my decisions in how we raise our girls etc. I think that also played a lot in how I was feeling. I know though that I am raising our children the best way we can and they are well grounded, healthy, happy little vegemites. I say how I am raising our girls as I am the one who spends 85% of the time with them so it solely really is left to me. Andrew just fits in to what I am doing and he agrees with what I am doing. I know that now.



I am feeling more positive about our marriage and find myself missing my husband now rather than that relief he is gone. I can see that I will be wearing some nice new clothes in Winter and Summer. I will have an absolutely rocking outfit for James and Hayley's wedding in September. I want to get outdoors more. I've told Andrew that he needs to now fit in with the healthier eating and outdoors lifestyle I now love. It may take some adjusting to healthier versions of food but I know that when he sees the change in me he will be happy to stick it out.

I think that when body and mind work together you have magic!!!! ooh found this and it is soooo right!!!!

Happy Saturday lovelies!!!

oooh and just so you know I did walk to get Eleanor from school yesterday as the thought of missing a session killed me!!!! I had some Dfine 8 to give me kick as I knew 9kms rounds trip was going to hurt!! Yeah sure it helped but I think my desire to do it better than last time was the winner!!! No flat tyres and no heat of the day, thank you cloud cover!!!!! I really ran more than I did last time too. Didn't have to get Eleanor out to walk a bit to lessen the load due to flat tyre so pushed all combined weight of 30ish kgs !!! well to Jacque's anyway as Eleanor stopped for a play but I would say Jacque's is only 500 mts from home. ooh and I have to get the damn gps thingy of Andrew's working. New batteries didn't cut it again!!!! I think they were old ones I found. I did spot some AAA somewhere here yesterday so will track them down. I'd like to know exactly how far it is!

Ciao for now :-) off to get salad stuff cut up and ready.. that is another tip too... be organised with your prep as that way it is so quick and easy to put salads and veg together!!!

Excuses

I am trying to turn them around into an action. I want and need this to happen. So excuses can't play in my mind :-) As from my previous posts I am being successful at doing it but maybe one day I will succumb but that is ok as I know that if I do miss a workout I will make sure it is because my body and mental state need it :-)

I think this saying goes hand in hand with the one above. Haven't regretted a workout and I know that the ones I do regret are the ones I've missed.

I am so proud of me

I have always wanted to be feeling as motivated as I am and just never got there.
Yes I have eben motivated in that I wanted to lose weight. Yes I would throw myself into exercise, But never did it all fall into place. I struggled as I have said before with the food. Now with food finally sorted out and clicking for me I feel great and on top of the world. I know I can stan dhere and say with absolute certainty that I will get to my goal weight this year! Or if I don't I will be in double digits and in the 80s!!! I am so going to be wearing great clothes for Summer and Winter this year even I will wear some nice jeans and be a trendy winter gal!!! lol I still hate winter though!!!!

Anyway why am I proud of me. I am proud of me due to that this week I have numerous opportunities to not exercise and let the excuses flood in. I've had some late nights with Lucille teething, restless night with Eleanor in the bed due to night terrors and shit she is a terrible sleeper!!!! I've been so exhausted!!!!! So so so exhausted. I could have done nothing. No way!!!! I was meant to do Zumba yesterday but Lucille had a massive sleep so no creche time for me :-( I put my shoes on when she was sleeping, dvd on for Eleanor and jumped on the treadmill but also incorporated Michelle Bridges dvd in it. her dvd consists of 5 min groups of exercises. I followed these though when it came to the cardio ones I found myself struggling to get feet and the moves right so I jumped back on the treadmill and jogged the 5 mins at 6.5kmh. I am so darn proud of me as I have never jogged this long consistently before! My arms, shoulders, abs and legs are so sore today!!!! I was so proud of me. I didn't make 500 calories and got to 481cal only :-( I seriously could not push anymore dips, push ups, sit ups, lunges, squats or even a brisk walk out to get me over. I was farked!!! And to think I didn't even want to do anything from my exhaustion.

Today was a similar scenario. Lucille was asleep again when I would have been at gym and the girls in creche. So I decided to mow. Rain was coming though so it was a power mow ha ha. If I didn't do it today then I was sure it would be raining for days again and it would only get longer!!! SO i am rushing to get it done before it bucketed down. Didn't manage the front nor a 2m square patch near clothes line. Oh and the weather is glorious this arvo!!! Typical ha ha It was a great work out though as the grass was long in parts so I really had to push the mower. After that I was going to jump in the shower but decided to change bra, shorts and shirt and put my proper sneakers on and get on the tready. WTF!!! who does that!!!!! Anyway pushed out 362 calories in 50mins and combine that with the 202 calories from mowing the lawn I am pleased. I have found myself jogging for longer too!!! I have moved up to 6.5kmh as my base speed and then fluctuate with speed and incline above that. I am going to look at how long it takes me to do a km next time and try and start to beat that too!

I don't know where this new found passion has come from but I love it! I have done something every day this week and tomorrow may just be the rest day I need or maybe I will use the weekend for that. I'd love to do a Super Saturday session though so will see. Might make that tomorrow as I will have only Lucille and then can take just the pram and do it for longer and she can have her morning sleep in the pram :-) hmmm want to go to Maitland though tomo. Will play it  by ear in the morn.

The eating plan I have taken up is created by Ashy Bines. She is on Facebook and it is simple. I got it on sale but to be honest it is very similar to the James Duigan Clean and Lean eating plan which you can get the book for. It has so many similar aspects to Body Trim and Michelle Bridges. I just find it easier to follow as I am not counting anything. No calories and no points, no kjs. I'm ensuring I am having good fats eg Avocado and olive oil, my carb at breakfast and sometimes lunch though Mountain is minimal carbs and I have had that meal time too. But I figure in comparison to how sugar laden and carb laden my diet was before this is minimal! I take a protein supplement when I need it after exercising. I don't always have it to be honest and find that I am using protein rich foods more. making Banana Protein Muffins, trying to find a Protein ball recipe I like. I do take Dfine 8 which is a supplement to help eliminate fat stores and give you that kick during exercise. Again not taking every session. But have this week due to the tiredness. I am being sensible I am not going to get my body reliant on these so don't be alarmed peeps. You must give your body a break anyway after 6 weeks from the caffeine in the Dfine 8 anyhoo.

lol

I have such a positive outlook on life and accept there are things I can change and then there are those that I can not. I am trying to be a better person and lose some of the bad traits. The main one is being so down and out on myself. I am starting to accept again that I am a beautiful person on the outside as much as I am on the inside.

I am trying to not be anti-social. So many times in the past I've cancelled going out with the girls and numerous other social occasions because I stopped feeling comfy in my skin. I shy away from any form of intimacy with my husband because the thought of him seeing me naked is frightening or touching my waist, back, belly or any other body part because I think he'll feel a fat roll or something and be grossed out. Of course this is stupid as he has never ever once said anything about my size and always says lovely things to me. Oh wait he has said on numerous occasions when I've tried losing weight to not lose it from my boobs!! HA HA yeah right that is the first place I want it gone from... actually maybe second as waist/belly area is first!!!  As they are fat though the boobs do seem to go. I can take already after almost 2 weeks of clean eating that they are going down!!!! My sports bra fits much nicer now. I do need to buy some new bras and will try and find a cheap one so I am not spending decent money only to have to buy new ones in a month or so. As I am a F cup I can't buy at Big W Target and Kmart stores :-( I thought ebay but I'd like to try them on first. Might have to go to Charlestown and see if Myer are having a sale. We do have a bar shop here but I am not sure on pricing and would assume expensive. Might have to have a look.

Anyway a massive post. I am just so pleased it is all going well and I know I am not going to fall off the wagon majorly or anything like that as it is not a "diet". There is no length of time as it is permanent. Ooh and I haven't craved biscuits chips or anything like that. I am trying to be 100% dedicated and let's say I am 99%. Had some butter on my toast the other morning with my eggs. So went back to having a wrap. Had a few bites of Eleanor's Paddle Pop.  Just a few other little things but I am not stressing as I am keeping myself in check :-)

Hope you are all doing well. Oooh I am 1.3kgs off  5kgs loss since I started back on this losing weight travel. Ooh and only 2.6 kg to say I've made 5kgs on the clean eating.

I have had some sneak peaks too at the scales in the morning. On track for another good loss this week :-)

Until next time.... xx

A moment!!!!

Just spare a moment if you would please for a few little fat cells that died today!!!!

Today I wanted to walk Eleanor to school. It was cooler and I knew it would be better for Lucille. Anyway didn't get organised in time as Eleanor and Lucille were having moments. I had my workout clothes on so when I drove in the driveway from dropping her to preschool I  was good to go. Just had to grab ipod and I was off. I borrowed Andrew's gps watch.. nifty little gadget he has.. Anyway there is a setting which tracks how far you've walked and the speed. AWESOME!!! So off I step and I push myself to walk at 6kmh. Now on the treadmill this feels different but on flat ground it is faster than I would normally walk on flat ground. not by much but enough to know I'm not pushing to this and maintaining it. Now of course the damn things battery dies doesn't it!!!! Was pissed as it was a great tool. So I've loaded batteries up and will get onto it next time. I still pushed myself and loved it when I got to my beloved hill for sprints. I was a bit puffed from pushing but I still did my set of 4. Feel they aren't a drama anymore so will add an extra one. I jogged more on my way home too as I wanted to up my calories burnt. I only managed 311 in 40 mins today as I cut my route short. Lucille was restless and I was meeting Loretta for coffee. But you know although the calories don't show a higher number I know I pushed it today. Was one of my better sessions.

Tossing up what to do tomorrow though... Zumba? Gym Session? walk/run to town and back (weather permitting) or start the C25k at home or outside! Hmmmm not too sure and i think I will see how the night pans out and go from there.

Getting fitter I know it... Soon the scales will reflect that but I am not counting on them... using my measurements and the way clothes fit to tell how well I am going :-) I am almost 5kgs lighter now then when I started.... so I'm pumped about that!!! baby steps hey

Life

you know it has been ages since I have felt great about life. I have felt for the past year that I have just gone day by day wandering through with no real purpose. I know my purpose at the moment is to raise my 2 beautiful girls but I mean I have just not been happy about life. I have not felt good about myself in I don't know how long!!!

This past week I have felt the changes to my body. I can see my tummy reducing and not looking so bloated. I can see my legs losing a lot of that extra fluid around the top of my thighs. I feel good and know that I will be fitting into decent sized clothes soon. I feel better about myself! I am starting to love me again. I am loving life and just can't wait to get a little bit more weight down and be a really active mummy.

When we went to Newcastle shops on the weekend I looked at the clothes and was just amazed at my resolve to not shop  or even look in the bigger clothes range! I am not going to buy any new bigger clothes sizes EVER AGAIN!!!!!! I am so excited about the future and what it holds for me.

I know that it may seem over the top but when your weight has held you back for some time in life you get excited about the prospects it will bring back. I will feel like a sexy confident woman.. God I haven't felt that in a zillion years!!!!! I will love being outdoors and wearing clothes to suit. By that I mean I can wear nice shorts that are not 3/4 denim, as it is the only thing that doesn't make my legs look enormous. Which of course in summer can be stinking hot!!! I loved wearing singlets.. I can do that again and not worry about a muffin top.  OK so these are things that I still can't do right now but I sure as shit will be doing that in Summer. I have just spent my last Summer and birthday overweight!!!!!

I am wanting a real active lifestyle. To go down to the park and run around with the girls.. OK so right now it is Eleanor but when Lucille is running around it will be both of them. I want to be able to feel comfortable again in my skin in front of my husband.. not hide like an ashamed woman. He never says anything and it is not in him to ever mention my weight. He is only concerned about having his happy go lucky wife back, whatever that takes he'll assist. Mind you being away for 6 weeks has assisted, though of course Id rather him here. It has allowed me to A find this eating plan, B tackle it on my own and get my head around it first and C get into my exercise without having him to rely on so when he does go away again I know what to be able to do. I am so not wearing a frumpy outfit or an outfit bigger than size 16  to Hayley and James's wedding in September!!!! I will  be so pissed if I have to.. I know I won't be but just in case I warn you all now. the scream is going to be massive if I do need to!!!! Of course you all know that if I do it is because I've given up on my goals and failed massively. For which I will dig a whole and bury myself in it!!!

I know you guys will be proud. I am not aiming to disappoint! But the most important person I want to be proud of my accomplishment is me! I know I will be.

ooh I found this motivational too a day or so ago... has me thinking.

What are my goals??? Lose weight yeah sure that is  a goal. But you always need more.
But then to get those goals what is my plan???

Something I guess I am not 100% defined on. Yes I am now clean eating. yes I am exercising. but there is surely more to a plan than just saying that?!?! So I will think about my goals and then will plan to get them. I know that one goal is to run 5km without stopping! I have set in motion that plan by downloading the Couch 2 5km program on Ipod. Well Week 1 anyway. So will set that in motion soon.

Ooh and another positive. When I did my program today at the gym and Loretta has me doing 6kmh with the varying inclines I would find it hard to keep up on the inclines... Nope I upped it to 6.5 and 7 on some inclines!!!! YIPEEEEE getting fitter

Anyway until next time....... ooh which I promise will be more regularly xxxxx.

I'm on my way!!!!

ok so I weighed in today after having a positive week of clean eating and I weigh 112.9!!! I can't remember what I weighed last time as I have been so all over the place. But I know I was still in 115kg bracket somewhere I am sure. I had to look at old posts to see what my last weight was. On 13/2 it was 115.1!! So in a bout 3 weeks I've dropped 2.4kgs.

I am loving my new way of eating. It is so easy! I find I can manage my meals better. I know what I can and can't eat and I just don't even get tempted by the other stuff..... when I say other stuff I mean biscuits, chips, butter... (I KNOW!!! I was never giving this up) though butter is easy to give up as I am eating Mountain bread now not bread. I just have a zest for life now that hasn't existed for some time. I am loving exercise and what it does for my body and how I feel afterwards. I am loving finding new clean recipes to try out and also stick to some old faves. I will need to up;load pics but for some reason my phone won't upload the damn things!!!! So might have to send to facebook. Save and then repost here.

I have gone back to doing my program at the gym. Love it!!! I've booked all my creche times needed for the week as you can only book a week ahead.

Hope everyone else is having a great start to the new week!!!

One of those people

oh and for the record.. The kind of person I never ever in my wildest dreams thought I'd become is someone who loves exercise and having that healthy lifestyle.

When I was doing my workout today I kept thinking of how great it felt to be seeing some results in my body shape and to be enjoying pushing myself and seeing my limits.

She is breaking out of here!!!

I love that I have found an eating style that suits me, is no fuss and full of wholesome goodness. I have struggled so much with food and getting this right that this just fits. I really am limiting to minimal processed foods in my body and aiming for fresh clean eating. I think f things like biscuits and cakes and all those other things and really don't want them in my body. I am so pleased that Andrew still has 4 weeks left on course, (I'm sure he doesn't!) as it allows me to really get settled into this clean eating and see some results and show him why we won't be going back to old habits. The thought of Maccas and the like right now just ills me. I can't imagine eating a Maccas burger now. I love Chicken and Cheese burgers from there and oh to not taste one again :-( BUT I know it has no beneficial nutritional value whatsoever. I am not going to say I won't slip up but if I do it won't be a major thing and well I'll pick myself up and keep on keeping on.

I am really thoroughly enjoying myself and life right now. I feel good. I feel this eating has made a huge difference to my menstrual cycle as I have only had one minor migraine. Yes I have been taking those tablets but not religiously so can't say they are the reason with certainty.

 This is my favourite one. I agree wholeheartedly! The pain that I feel when on the treadmill or doing my own session is nothing compared to what my body feels from me being overweight!!!

 This one I should have found a few weeks ago when I was struggling when really overtired and just got out and had the best session!!! If we always waited for those days of feeling good, it'd never happen as sometimes being overweight you never feel good. or the good days are few and far between!

 I really think about everything going in my mouth. If it is not nutritional then it doesn't go in there!

 Each day I set new benchmarks, drop 100gms or burn more calories is a day closer to being the best version of me!

 Oh my god the woman in yellow is so hot!!! I love her body. Healthy, tight, toned and still very womanly!!!

This one I think of those days when I just struggle to get the motivation to exercise. These days are very rare lately!!!! THANK GOD but when I have that internal dialogue of will I won't I, I always enjoy that I did it.

I'll be aiming for top step everytime!!!!!

Rainy Day... can't exercise... Pfft whatever

So when I wake up this morning I think crap what a day to be still in bed!!!! Lucille didn't agree though unfortunately and then of course Eleanor awake shortly after her :-(

I hadn't booked Lucy into Gym creche and to be honest other than taking Eleanor to preschool I didn't want to be out in the rain. The moment we walked in the door I was taking my clothes off and getting my workout gear on! I didn't give myself time to change my mind or anything.

With Lucille in bed I jumped on the treadmill. My aim was to due intervals on the tready and not stop until I burnt 500 calories. 15 minutes in and I was bored ha ha. So I jumped off ... ok don't stress it is not the end :-) So I started with 20 triceps dips, 20 push ups on knees (extended not just straight down if that makes sense. Not easy option the slightly harder version of easy), 20 situps, 20 squats, 20 lunges (10 each leg forward) , 20 over the fence jumps (using the table as the bench and an imaginary bench of course). Kettlebell swing things. Like they do on biggest loser and as done with Toni. (I grabbed one of the dumbells and had 5 kgs on it. As no kettlebell)
Then back on the treadmill for 15 mins. Always no lower than 6kmh and varying the incline up every 1.5mins. I was alternating walking and running for 1.5mins at 7.5kmh. Boy did it kill. Then once 15 mins finished I was back doing the same circuit. Once I got to the last over the fence jump I had only burnt 419 calories so I did a few more but then did lunges and squats until I reached 500 calories!!!

I had so much energy when I finished I scrubbed our en suite and gave the bedroom a dust and remade the bed! Lunch was 4 Ryvita with avocado, tomato, capsicum, baby spinach, rocket and deli ham. Oh so delish!!!!!!!  I then had a Blueberry Scone for afternoon snack. YUMMY!!!
These are so good and so easy to make.

Berry Scones

Serves 6

2 Eggs, beaten
1 cup Almond Meal
1/3 cup Natvia (natural sweetener)
1 1/2 tsp Baking Powder
1 1/2 tsp Vanilla Essence
1/2 cup Berries

Directions:

Preheat the oven to 190°C and line a tray with baking paper.

In a large bowl, combine all of the ingredients, except for the berries, and mix well.

Gently fold the berries into the batter and use a tablespoon to drop 6 evenly spaced scones on the tray (about 2 heaping tablespoons for each scone).

Bake for about 15 minutes until scones begin to lightly brown.

Now the mix came out weird. Well I thought it was weird compared to other batter but I think it is cause it is Almond Meal. They have a very different texture but sooooo yummy. Well I thought so anyway. It could have been using frozen blueberries so maybe next time I will use fresh berries.

Regardless.... very yummy!!!

ooh and for dinner I had a piece of Spinach and Ricotta Lasagna that I had saved from a previous dinner. Added some rocket and baby spinach to this as a side salad.



Loving life and exercise

wow who would have thought that you could say loving exercise??? No seriously.... who? I always thought of it as a chore. Something you did when you wanted to lose weight. You didn't enjoy it you just did it. A means to an end  or whatever that saying is!

I have really been enjoying my exercise, but mostly my eating.

I have struggled to get my food in order to enable my weight loss and health goals to be accomplished. I have tried the calorie counting, toyed with Weight Watchers and a few other programs. Even lite n easy as I have mentioned before. What I have settled on is a clean eating lifestyle. By clean eating, I mean a diet (and I don't mean diet diet just what goes in my mouth) of healthy salads and veggies with protein. My friend Jacque said it simply the other day. "if it doesn't come form the ground or plants and walks around then I don't eat it" I suppose it is really trying to go back to eating the way of the old. No processed food. Everything all natural. Try to limit condiments to minimal if any, use natural sweeteners if needed and reduce carbs.

So now my day is like this.
2 poached eggs
slice of wholegrain toast
rocket and baby spinach leaves

snack is some chicken or ham. I just eat it like that. Simple and quick or I will have an apple, banana or pear.

Lunch is a big green salad with some ham, bacon or chicken. I add shallots, capsicum, tomato, fresh beetroot, mushrooms.

Snack is some natural yogurt or Ryvitas with cottage cheese and ham.

Dinner is a serve of protein with salad or steamed veg. I make omelette's using egg whites or stir fry. Will try nachos on Mountain bread. Quite a lot of different things I can still make while maintaining clean eating. I have been doing this since Monday now and I can tell you that I feel good. Maybe a little low on carbs as headaches every so often but it is that time of month too so maybe that is it AGAIN! I already feel my tummy not as bloated and I jumped on scales this morning which I normally don't do before Monday but I have a massive loss so far so will just see how I go. I know that everything is going into my body which is healthy. I'm eating now to fuel it not feed it. I think for once I have really gotten my head around food. It is not counting calories, points, carbs it is just eating well. I am going to make some Berry Muffins tomo using Almond Meal. Will post pic and recipe once I've done it. They look delicious!!!!!!

Tonight I made a yummy salad. Forgot pic though. I had 100gms chicken breast seasoned with Moroccan Spices. Cooked on the grill plate. The added this to baby spinach and rocket leaves, olives, capsicum, shallots, mushrooms, 1/4 avocado and 20g Feta. Now I know that Greek Feta is not the best option and maybe I should go with goats milk feta but that is like a million bucks and I'm not paying that to get my fix. This was the yummiest salad ever!!!! if you haven't tried Moroccan Spice then do so. It is delish!!! I have brought all sorts of spices Paprika, Tarragon, Cumin to name some. I am so excited to stop buying the store pre made marinades and mixes and to be doing my own thing now.  Tracy I will have so much we can try out when you come. It will be yummy I promise!!!!!!

oooh and WATE R WATER WATER!!! I have increased my intake so much. I feel that is helping now too. The one thing I must work on is the bed time. I am still not getting in early enough. Tomorrow will be day one of getting to bed at 830 9. No excuses! I really need the rest for my body to recover from the exercise and just because our bodies do need it. So I will get on to that!!!!

oooh and I tried a Zumba class today for the first time ever. Oh boy did I love it!!! It was so much fun. Shit the moves can be hard but with practice I will get there! I felt we were doing a lot of squatting with moves and my thighs are a wee bit sore tonight. It is a matter of getting our bodies used to different movement. So I now have 2 fave classes. Zumba and Spin! My hills and then of course my gym session.

I can say I love exercise!!! I really do love doing it. And now finally with my food sorted I'm looking forward to great things!!! Stand by and watch peoples.. A girl with some goals to get now :-)

no going backwards now. Sure there will be some slip ups. I'm human after all....but these will be so minor compared to past slip ups and failings.

Bring on a new day!!!!
night all!