How I turned a yucky task into a positive one... still don't like it though

So I had the dreaded lawn mowing to do, blah. I hate it with a passion. I have only ever done it once before this. Well maybe as a kid but I am certain I traded chores with my brother and sisters with this one. I hate it. It is the one chore that I think belongs to a man. Yes yes I know we are all equals and there are women out there who love it blah blah blah but not me. I hate it. I am quite happy to say it is not for me and I don't want to do it.

Anyway so I posted about it on FB and my friend Natelle and sister Tracy said why not get my HRM on and see what calories I burn. Ok so it became a challenge then. I continued to grapple with the idea of paying someone to do it, right up until I started it. But then it was on.

an hour later and I burnt 434 calories! not bad effort!!!!!! Was quite pleased with my efforts actually. I will admit it wasn't that bad mowing and I am sure there are worst tasks out there, BUT I do not look forward to next time!!! Yes I know that while I live away from my dedicated father who does our lawns for us that I will need to do it again at some stage! :-( poo bum wee :-(

Oh well it was definitely a win though with calorie burn!!!!!!

another awesome day... and then

ok so I rang the gym this mornign and the creche was full so I missed out on Spin. Was fairly bummed but knew if I didn't stay keen then I'd do nothing.

Got dressed for a walk, dropped Eleanor off to pre school and then when I got home I packed Lucille in the pram and of I went. I was going to do a treadmill session but I knew I'd push myself harder outside.

So I did the usual turn left out of our driveway and when I got to Wattle Ponds I did some sprints. I felt so good! I did 4 sprints. Cut through the park and again some step ups. Loved it!

Anyway was feeling so good. Close to burning 500 calories which I knew would happen by the time I got home and then I walk past a house. Ok no big deal I've walked past heaps of them in my travels. This one had a gorgeous shirtless guy walking out to the bin. I felt really self conscious. I felt like what the hell, he'd be looking at me thinking yeah keep running you need it! I kept justifying in my head over and over well that is ok I am out doing something but that voice in the back of my head kept putting those negatives back in my head. yes yes I have a husband who finds me attractive but we want to be found attractive by the opposite sex too. It's just human nature.

So rather than get home and just eat my feelings I turned the negative energy into a positive and ran. I jogged the almost kilometre home. No stopping. I was farked. The sweat was dripping from my eyes and was stinging them but I knew I had worked hard. I burnt 541 calories in 1hr 2 mins! Was awesome!!!

I will have the external beauty that matches my internal.

Proud as Punch

Friday I decided that I would walk to Eleanor's school and get her. It is about 4.5kms there, so 9km round trip. It was quite warm so really not one of my best ideas though!!!!

Loaded Lucille in the pram and she loved it. I walked and ran a little. I must be getting slightly fitter as I couldnt' believe how much longer I could run than in past efforts.

There is a massive hill leading up to the preschool. I always thought it would kill but it didn't. I won't say it was easy but I didn't struggle. It was so damn hot though. God it was hot!!!!  Not until it cools down will I do that again!

Oh and on the way back I realised that the front tire was dead flat!!! So pushing Lucille and Eleanor's combined weight of about 30kgs was tiring. I struggled so much on the return. More so as I think the heat really took it out of me. I would like to do it again when it is not so hot and really see my fitness.

So this is my reward... and yes it is a reward. my legs killing and the feeling like I am dying is a reward. I know my body loved it!

Felt so good to achieve this. I burnt about 550ish on the way there and the rest on the way home. I actually had to get Eleanor to get out and walk at one stage as I couldn't push the pram with the weight on the front tire. I didn't want to wreck it either. Oh and then Eleanor decides with about 2kms to go that she'll annoy the shit out of Lucille who was already on the edge! So Lucille wants out. Thank god I brought along the baby carrier so I could put Lucille on my back and push Eleanor in the pram. Then she wanted out so I was pushing a empty pram! Talk about weight training!!!! With my body already struggling from the heat the extra weight was a killer.

So so proud of me though! I really loved it... oh my god can someone really say they love exercise.... yeah Toni and Tracy! ha ha ha.

Anyway that is my great achievement!

Hope you are all doing well xx

ooh and lots more of this is needed

If I don't start drinking water more I am not going to get anywhere either! I am so dehydrated it is not funny!!! So I will be dirnking my minimum 2lts a day and then some when exercising. This plays a big part in my weightloss and lethargic feeling. So I have to get back into the drinking I used to do! oooh H2O variety of drinking of course!!! No not the vodka, lime and sodas or the vodka and cokes.

But come on seriously the wine.. does that have to go. Tempus Two have the best Merlot I have tasted so far :-)

 oooh and I need lots more of this!!!! Crikey do I ever. Will aim to be in bed 9pm every night!!!!
So night all. I am so many hours behind already!!!!!!!!!

the struggles of being a woman

there is so many issues women deal with on a daily basis I don't even know if there is enough space in this page to list them all.

But I guess the ones that are ringing for me at the moment are financial concerns but then we all have those, getting enough time to ourselves and our adequacy at being a mum.

I have really struggled at the moment with my desire to return to work. I love my girls. Gosh I really do. I love spending time with them.They are the reason for me getting up in the morning.... and of course I mean that literally as well ha ha. But I am over being a stay at home mum. I am sick of stressing financially. I don't get me time as Andrew is not built like that and does not comprehend it. He is so old school it is not funny. I know he jokes about it being a woman's job blah blah blah but deep down I know that he believes what he preaches. Maybe I wouldn't be dying to go back to work so much if finances were different. But unfortunately they are not. Staying home on one wage as I 've said before is hard. There are mum's out there who agree but yes I know they manage. But I am not built to live on bear minimum. I like excesses. I like to go to coffee and lunches and theme parks and spend money. We've had two decent wages for so long that to cut down to one and not fully comprehend how it is to live like that is hard. I need to be earning money knowing I am contributing to the household. It is a struggle. It is stressing me out.

 But I know it is not just finances driving me back to work. I am a social person. I need adult interaction.  Yes I have friends here that I catch up with often. Jacque and I catch up frequently if not daily and then there is my old neighbour Jules who I saw today that lives in Muswellbrook now. Loretta and Billie who have recently moved here and I know Loretta from god early 20s from the Heritage. I am so blessed to have Jo near by and we Skype often and pleasingly have a catch up planned tomorrow.  With Andrew away so much I feel so consumed by my kids! I know if I was back home I'd not be feeling this way as I have an awesome family and friends circle who would give me the time out I need. I'm no longer a clubbing girl, that is not the time out I crave. I love coffee and dinner dates and just time to get out and not worry about packing bottles, snacks, nappies and the other stuff that goes with having kids.. I loved catching up with Jo and Belle last year when Belle visited from Townsville. It was nice to drive to Newcastle and spend the arvo with the girls doing lunch, shopping and then dinner. If Andrew was not having to start his course the next day then I would have stayed out at Newy and had some drinks with Jo. To not be a mum and just be a woman for a while was bliss. Sure we talked about being pregnant as Belle and her friend were pregnant at the time BUT it was very short touching on those subjects.

Those escape moments are so far and few between.

I had almost an explosion of sort recently which made me question my role in life. I think it just comes down to I need me time. I think this week has been a fizzer cause with Andrew gone I am now taking my wife hat off and my mummy hat is permanently on and I just have to do it all. I am working on two roles only and I know what needs to be done and can just do them. That is not the issue. I am a great mum and my girls are well looked after physically, mentally and socially. They are great little girls and are being raised to respect others and not listen to daddy's stupid opinions in life :-) Those who know Andrew well know what I mean. They are being raised to accept everyone and everything and to be the best they can be in life and know their potential. Ok so this doesn't relate to Lucille so much yet but she is well looked after and Eleanor has a heart of gold. Albeit very determined. I think in my mind though I grapple with my want to go back to work with my need/should stay at home stuff. I feel I should not be wanting this time out and to go back to work and that I should have this innate want to be full time home with my girls. But I don't. Maybe if my life was different and I had a hubby who worked 9-5 and was home on the weekends and yeah we just lived a normal existence then it'd be different. Who knows. Maybe if the financial stresses weren't so high then  I'd not want to. Who knows. But all I know is; that I do want to go back to work for the reasons said.

With Andrew's news of a posting pending at the end of the year I am excited. Where to be relocated to is still the unknown but highly probable Townsville. Yes I am excited about this prospect but then I am also disappointed. As much as Singleton is away from home and I miss everyone terribly, I am settled in somewhat. I love the area. I love driving back from Newcastle and going the back way through Maitland, Lambs Valley etc. It is such a glorious country side. I love the climate. It is hot. Yes it is damn hot but not with humidity so it is bearable somewhat. The cold was not as bad as I thought but then apparently it was not a cold winter last year so maybe this year I will change my mind. I love being so close to the Hunter Valley Wineries and taking drives through that countryside. I love being so close to Sydney and thinking what will we do and when will we go see Hayley and James. So for those reasons and of course having some great friends here I don't want to move. My biggest motivation, apart from family and friends, for moving back is my job. I don't have to look for another one I can walk back into this one. I like the people I work with and it just makes not having to look for a transfer so much easier also. hmmm if we don't get Townsville. Well I am not sure where else really is on the cards. Adelaide??? Maybe Brissie but highly unlikely. A final year year though is very highly unlikely. They are needing Infantry Sergeants dire and it is a given he will go. If we get Darwin then i say hell no! I just don't want to go. It is far too humid. Worse than Townsville and well no. Sure it is lovely and I am sure that people love it there. But I don't want to go there. Anyway we will see what happens in that regard.

In the meantime I will try and look for a transfer here and go from there.

I think I am just screaming for some recognition of time out that is highly required from the boy and it is going unheard and lucky for him he is away for 6 weeks. oh well. Thankfully a day on the Beach with Jo tomo will be relaxing and clear the head.

I am going to stop being slack to and get my Game face back on. Big walk for me on the treadmill tomorrow! Not to mention the walk/stroll on the Esplanade in Newy.

Hitting the gym too next week (creche needed so that is why i say next week peoples) as I will use this as my time away from the girls! Be prepared for some changes in goals and thinking.. The positive Wendi will be back. She is just AWOL..using the weekend to regroup, rethink her goals and priorities, food and exercise and MONDAY will be back kicking butt and getting that body as previously posted!!!! Oh just cause I am delaying my gym work until Monday does not mean I am slacking off in the food by any means. I will still remain on top of that!

Thanks for listening to my whinge. I coudl really go on and really get in more depth but this is really what is struggling in my mind .. well the shortened version anyway!

last one for the night...

Now we all know it does not need to go to my boobs as there is enough padding there as it is. So If I

could alter this it would have the boobs part deleted. DEAR FAT, GTFO. So I will put this on my poster in the morning and on my treadmill and be working up a sweat to stick to this mantra ha ha ha.

Tomorrow I will be getting back on the saddle... Well treadmill so to speak and getting the rest of my life on track..

I have found my ideal pic tonight. Of course I cut her head off the pic as well let's face it she has the body but it is my head that will be on it. I still think it is a little too toned. I don't want to to be overly toned and muscly. I love feminine curves. So What drew me to who was her curves.
This is her.. Ok this is me.... WORK IN PROGRESS!

It is nice. I like it. I know I don't have skinny hips even if you sucked all the fat out of them. I'm being realistic. I won't look like the real skinny girls as I don't have the bones BUT I will be trim again.

Oh crap!

Oh god I hate when Andrew goes away. I can't sleep at night and it takes me a good week to settle back in to being completely on my own with the girls.

It is not the help around the house with the girls as let's face it I do bloody everything, but it is just not having someone in the bed at night. Yes the house is safe blah blah blah but I don't know why it is so hard to settle straight in. Christ you would think I would be happy to not have anyone in the bed to annoy the shit out of me!!!

I guess it is just harder for me to wind down or something who knows.

Anyway what I do know is tonight I must get to bed early so I can get back on track. I am really slipping up and whilst my food has been good I need to really focus on the exercise again too!!!! Oh and water. Oh I need water!!! I am struggling to drink that too at the moment.. which I know would not be helping anything.

I think I am just overwhelmed with some financial stresses at the moment too. Thus causing even further sleeplessness. Oh why can't I be rich. Actually it is not even that really. I need to be working and back to bringing in a second income and that way we can remain on top of our bills. This move has been so financially draining. It is not classed as remote but shit it feels it compared to Townsville therefore loose a lot of allowances.

Anyway excuses excuses excuses.

Just pull my finger out and do it!!!!!

Feelin Waaaaaaay off track!!!

ok so after a few loose days I feel like shit.

It is amazing how after being so good for a few weeks has really changed the way my body feels and allowing two days to be "loose" on my eating has left me feeling lethargic to no end.
Yes I am tired from a few late nights BUT I know that the food is the biggie here. Yes I have eaten well but no I have not tracked what I am eating! Therefore although it has been "good" it may be too much "good".

As for exercise... hmmm does the extra curricular type suffice??? ha ha ok TMI but he has gone away for 6 weeks.. what else would be happening  :-) Just saying. But I will take that as a no because it is not exercise I can measure. Good for the endorphins though I suppose :-) ok shut up Wendi..

So I am making a pact with myself...

100% + effort in Good Clean Eating this week
100%+ effort in DAILY exercise

I will jump on tomo and upload my meal plan for the week. I have done the shopping today so will stick to it!!!! NO excuses. I brought some Aldi lite Frozen meals  as back up on those "I can't be farked  days". Not sure how they taste and yes Toni I know what you say about them but with 330 calories per meal I would say that is better than honey toast when I can't be effed :-) Just saying :-)

Crazy couple of days

I feel so neglectful of little ole me! I have been spending time with Andrew bumming out and doing nothing before he heads off to Canungra for 6 weeks on course. We've eaten well but not managed a serious hard thrashing session.

I am about to plan my menu for the week and shop to it tomorrow. I will post my weekly menu and post recipes for some of them. I am so looking forward to having the time to myself to really worry about me and my eating and getting my exercise in. It will do me good to have 6 weeks to really throw myself in trying all sorts of things and get my head around healthier eating without having to worry is Andrew going to like it or eat it. The girls are sorted and I don't need to worry about them. Eleanor has her staples as does Lucille. I just rotate through them through the week for variety.

Will chat more soon xx

Just Farking Do it!!!!

This was the little voice that got into my head this arvo. oooh that and Toni sitting on my shoulder telling me to get off my arse and nothing will change if I don't get out there.

I was dead tired! I really didn't think I was going to put much effort in but I figure that a walk is better than no walk.  So Lucille asleep, I put Eleanor in the pram carrier and off we go. In my head I am thinking along Casey, onto Wilkinson and then home. About 1.5kms if that. Nope I go the opposite way along Casey heading towards Wattle Ponds Dr. The place where my favourite hill for sprints is. What the Hell!! What is my mind doing to me!  Anyway so an hour later and I am back home in the driveway. 752 calories burnt!!!!! I did some hill sprints, some jogging and then at the park where Eleanor had a 10 min play I did step ups on the picnic bench seat, the logs encircling the playground, tricep dips, lunges and push ups. Kept moving the majority of the time I was there. Was awesome. I was going to go back home via Acacia Cct which is really steep!!! I wanted to take the challenge but Eleanor argued with me about the path so we took the path, to compensate though I jogged most of it. It loops from the park back to Casey Drive. Pretty much the beginning of our street. I was going to go left but it is longer by 300 mtrs to go back along Acacia onto Wilkinson and then into home. So we went that way. It goes down into a gully and then back up again. So I jogged the back up. HOLY SHIT!! the wind was against us so I had that to contend with too. Tried getting Eleanor to lean forward to even the weight a bit but she didn't understand so I soldiered on! Was awesome though. Nearly frigging died I am sure!!!! Max heart rate on my monitor was 185 and average was 154! Wowsers!!!!!

I am so pumped and I can feel my fitness improving! I can jog for longer but still struggle at points..

Anyway I rock!!!!!!!! Not doing food tonight. I'll do it in the morning. off to bed :-)

Well tomorrow

 I am just not feeling it today. Today is a day where everything is far too much effort.
Still no mummy nap, Eleanor thought that as I said We were going to lay on the couch and watch Beauty and the Beast that it meant that I was going to literally watch it with her :-(
Every time these eyes closed she was at me. I couldn't get angry at her as we don't get much mummy and Eleanor time so I obliged  her and it was nice. Didn't realise how many "scary" moments were in the movie so I am glad she could snuggle up to me.

Andrew just got home so might take her for a walk. Feel like a lazy shit for not doing anything today but can't be farked.. Yep tiredness is winning today :-(

oh lordy

I am having one of those days today. Lucille has a cold the poor cherub. The first for her really since birth. She's had a runny nose but nothing like this. She looks miserable and I am sure she feels it too!

Would hardly sleep yesterday and when she finally went down at 6pm last night I was sure that she'd sleep through as normal due to tiredness. Nope. She had a rough one. She is usually so perfect :-(

I am like a bear with a sore head today. I feel so grumpy and irritable it is not funny. Oh and to make it worse. I had booked Lucille into the gym for creche today and cancelled at 9.35, she was in the 10.30 session. As I was less than an hour they are charging me for it! They weren't even full, well as of 845 last night when I spoke to Wendy. I can understand if they are full and needed to ring someone for my spot who was on reserve but they weren't. So I get charged $3ea for cancelling. I couldn't go later as that is the last session and with Lucille finally getting to sleep at 930 I just didn't know if she'd be awake. Turns out she wasn't as she woke up at 11.15am. Stupid gym!

I will jump on the treadmill in her next sleep..... if she gets to sleep that is.. or I might pack them up and go for a walk outside. I'm thinking that I will go for a drive to get out of the house. A drive in the country may cheer me up. Shit weather though!

On a good note I made these yummy corn fritters for breakfast. Out of Michelle's new book
When I find my cord for my phone I'll upload pic and recipe. YUMMY!!!!! had mine with mixed lettuce leaves and a tbs of chutney!!!!!!

Goals

I've been thinking about this a lot lately.
What are my goals?? I've been so focused on losing weight that I really have not given serious thought to what goals I really want to achieve.
yes I want to lose weight, that is a major goal for me!

I think the main motivation for me to lose weight is the health and social aspects of it. The feeling I will have to be at goal weight and maintain it, to hold my head high when I go places and know I feel and look good. To encourage my girls to enjoy the beach and swimming like I did. To have an active lifestyle. To not have food become the enemy, to make healthy choices and it be their lifestyle.

A goal I have is to run. Run non stop for 5 kms minimum. I'd love to do fun runs. I would like to do competitive sport again, maybe even look into triathlons when I am at goal or at least fitter.... substantially fitter than I am now. I aim to try a lot of things though as I get fitter, who knows I may be capable of great things.... oh I know I am capable :-)

Recipe time

I'll share some recipes with you.
Firstly I'll share the Tomato and Basil Pasta Salad i had for lunch
So easy to make and oh so delicious. This is from Michelle Bridges latest No Excuses Cookbook

Pic first..

Serves 2 with 320 Calories per serve
125g dried pasta
250g mixed baby tomatoes, halved ( I had only tomatoes in the fridge so weighed 250g of these)
30g Baby Spinach
1/3 cup torn basil leaves (I used 1/2 cup)
1tbs extra virgin olive oil
1/2 clove crushed garlic (um being part Italian I love my garlic so used a full clove)
freshly ground black pepper

• cook pasta to taste. Drain and cool
• place the pasta, tomatoes, spinach, basil, olive oil and garlic in a large bowl. Season with pepper. Toss to coat
• place half the mix in each bowl.

I stored mine for tomorrow for lunch. The garlic will have time to infuse. YUMMY!!! Will be delicious tomorrow!!!!!

Now the recipe for the lasagna. It was referred to as Jen's lasagna in the 12wbt.
Another pic to remind you.

Serves 5 with 309 calories per serve
1 cup reduced fat ricotta
250g pkt of frozen spinach thawed, excess liquid squeezed out
1 egg
pinch ground nutmeg
1/2 bunch basil, coarsely chopped
olive oil spray
medium brown onion, chopped
8 mushrooms, chopped
2 garlic cloves, finely chopped
220g lean beef mince
400g can crushed tomatoes
2 medium tomatoes, chopped
1 zucchini, coarsely grated
1 carrot, coarsely grated
2 Latina fresh lasagna sheets
30g shredded Parmesan

1. preheat oven to 180c. Combine the ricotta, spinach and egg in a bowl. Add the nutmeg and half the basil and mix until well combined
2. spray a large frying pan with olive oil. Add onion, mushroom and garlic. Cook for 3 mins or until soft
3. add the mince and cook, stirring to break up clumps until browned. Add canned tomatoes, chopped tomato, zucchini and carrot.
4. Simmer for 10-15 mins or until slightly thickened. Stir in remaining basil
5. Spread a layer of ricotta mix over base of lasagna dish. Top with lasagna sheet followed by meat mix and another lasagna sheet. Spread over remaining ricotta mix and sprinkle with Parmesan. bake for 1 hour.

Now I add a bit of beef stock as I felt it missed a flavour and the lean mince loses the beefy flavour.
Omg this was good though. I cut up 6 slices so this would actually be less in calories. Not sure how you would cut 5 slices, unless they were long ones :-)

Give it a try. Tell me what you think. Yay or nay :-)
Enjoy x

Feeling good....

Just finished a treadmill session. HOLY SHITE!!!
Half hour at 6km hr and varying the incline every minute... Every 5 mins I would bump up the speed to 7kmh and then run for 1.5mins and sometimes I pushed to 2!!!!!

3km travelled.. Woot!!!!!!
422 calorie burn. I tried to get to 500 but without stopping completely and having a conversation with Eleanor about why her fingers should not go near the belt on the treadmill  I had to stop. She is a bugger!!!! I told her I'll lock her in her room next time I'm on if she doesn't listen!

Anyway I am pumped!!!!!! There was times I wanted to just stop but I kept reading my motivational posters on the treadmill and got to my half hour.
ooh this is a pic of what is in on there.

 Feel so good. I didn't make it to the gym today for Aqua due to Lucille being sick :-( Thank heavens for my purchase!!!!!

New Week... bring it on I say!!!!

Well I have been so slack recording my food on here and I apologise if anyone was interested in reading that kind of thing. I am aiming for a week of 100% of positive attitude and sticking to my exercise and eating.

I weighed in today and I am 115.1!!! Woo hoo!!! That is a loss of 1.2kgs. Going down for sure!!!

I am going to readjust my goals today too.

Ooh completed my first Spin class since I fell pregnant with Lucille. I love Spin as it is very challenging. I will admit it was damn hard and numerous times I felt like walking out of the class but I pushed through the pain. I had a mini Toni sitting on my shoulder saying "Pain is weakness leaving the body". I kept talking to myself, telling myself that I can do this and it is only 45 mins.. I am worth 45 mins to treat my body right. I think once my body got over the shock of the intensity it settled into a rhythm and we got it completed. I felt so good for it. 498 Calories gone! 2 calories shy of 500 target!!I can say I burnt 2 calories just walking to the Creche to get Lucille but in my session alone it was 498. I am proud of me and if I am not dead this arvo I will go for a walk around the hills. Or maybe on the treadmill.

So far today I have eaten;

Breakfast;
1 x slice of Wholemeal Country Grain Bakers Delight bread.
(I've been making my own bread but ran out of the multigrain mix. Rather than eat the white I make for the girls I brought this loaf from bakers Delight)
1/2 banana mashed up on it.
tsp butter

Snack;
5 Cashews
tub of Yoplait Strawberry Forme yoghurt

Lunch;
2 slices of Helga's new Sandwich rounds (Soy and Linseed)
2 tbs of Weight Watchers Cottage Cheese
2 tsp of Beerenberg Tomato Chutney
1 cup of mesculin salad mix
100 gms of lite deli ham from Coles.. Not as nice as the ham from Woolies I must say!

Here is a pic of the second slice as I had already eaten the first :-)

yesterday I made a Lasagna from when I did Michelle Bridges 12wbt. It is sooooo yummy.
It has ricotta and spinach top layer and the mince mix has carrot, mushroom and zucchini.

Oh my god if I said it tasted delicious that would be an understatement!!!!! Andrew was not fussed but then he is used to the traditional lasagna and loves it.
The recipe calls for only 200gms of mince but I used 500gm so I could make extra mince mix. I stuck to only used 200gm in the lasagna though.
So light! I froze the remaining 3 pieces so I could have them when Andrew was away and of course not to tempt myself with second serve.

I used the left over mince today and made a Sausage roll. It had the mince mix, ricotta and baby spinach leaves rolled up and baked in the oven. Was very delicious. I think next time I will just cook it again with the spinach and ricotta on top and save calories and fat with the puff pastry. No pic sorry.

I'll try to remember to post the recipe for the lasagna. Seriously it is delicious and only 309 calories per serve.

My Omelette (is that how we even spell it???)

SERVES 2 -
1/2 onion, diced finely
2 ripe tomatoes, diced roughly
4 mushrooms, sliced
150g lite deli ham chopped roughly. Tried making it into 2cm squares but was just a rough chop
 (you can use bacon but lite ham brings the calories down and is a healthier option)
4 eggs
2 egg whites
1/4 cup milk (though I didn't add it this time)
salt and pepper to season
1tsp minced garlic
short spray of olive oil
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
spray the fry pan with the oil.
on medium heat cook onion, mushrooms, garlic and tomato together.
when tomato becomes a bit mushy then add the ham
Cook for a approx 3 mins more.
Combine the eggs and salt and pepper in a jug. Don't mix too much. Enough to combine
Poor into the fry pan. Allow it to bubble up in the fry pan then mix it through, crossing the pan from one side to the other, folding it in. It is ready when the egg is just cooked. Don't let it cook too long or it will go dry.
Voila.. Yummy!!!

Andrew had his on toast but I had my serve on it's own. :-)

Will put calories on tomorrow.. I have them written down I just can't pop my finger on them.

A good day

Well the days of late have been a mentally draining time for me. Not really things I am going to go into at the moment but I've not been sleeping well. I get to bed and can't sleep for all that is running through my head.

Anyway woke up this morning and thought WTF I am off to bed. It was only 7 but I was dead. Lucille woke and then Eleanor so that killed the idea. We were all on go slow mode. Lucille was sooky, Eleanor grumpy and me it was a morning of I just can't keep my eyes open.

Driving home from dropping Eleanor to preschool I thought I'm going for a walk. The one thing the PT said is those days when you are tired just do it. They are the days you really need to do it. So I ran in and got changed, left Lucille in the car, door open of course, so I wouldn't get distracted by her and not go. In the quickest time ever I was ready.

God it was soooooo good. I went for 39 mins and burnt just over 500 calories. So bloody proud of me!!!!!! It was good. I ran so often and did some hill sprints. I tried when ever I got to a hill to jog up it. Lucille was asleep in the pram so it was me, my music and the dogs barking. Was brilliant. I had to pause my ipod at one stage just to hear how hard I was breathing. Felt like my heart was going to pump right out of my chest!!!!!!!!!

Got home and did some step ups on the front landing. Not really high but was still getting me moving. Really loved it. And to jog into my driveway was even sweeter.

One thing I need to do though is to start getting some sleep. With doing exercise, looking after the girls and just general life, it will come on top of me if I am not careful.

So my goal for the next few nights is early sleeps. I am still awake typing this and it is 11pm!!!!!!
Oooh and drink heaps more water. Shit loads more!!!!!! I can feel I am not drinking enough. Especially with my session today and the amount of sweat I need more!!!!!

anyway that is me for today.. nighty night..x

Rocked it in my training session

I had my session at the gym with the PT. She is fabulous. Different lady to the one who did all my measurements. Due to my elbow still being sore I was given shoulder and chest machines to do for now and then leg ones, a bit of ab work, and then some cardio stuff. She pushed me so hard on the treadmill. Shannon's session with Luke tonight well holy shit that reminded me of her. I was at a flat rate of 6kmhr. I was on incline 1 for minute, then 2 for a minute, 3 for a minute and then a minute back on flat level. Then I was on incline for 4 and 5 for a minute each. It is very hard going. Then she says ok let's bump it up to 8! I said "serious?" She's like yep let's go.. I almost broke into a run to keep up with the speed. She was so pleased with me keeping up with it and when I dropped down to flat to cool down it felt like I was running down hill!!!! Strange feeling. I was soooo proud of me. I couldn't believe I kept up with it.

She said that the way I kept my RPM over 90 on the bikes no matter what she through at me in inclines etc she knew I'd handle the treadmill. How cool is that?!?! Already knows me in that I will keep pushing.

I am so stoked!!!! Can't wait to go back again. No creche time available tomorrow so can't drop Lucille off and do a session but I am booked in for Spin on Monday morning!! There is a session called Fusion. The PT I met with at Jacque's the other day, Annie she is the one who runs it. Very hard core apparently. Like a boot camp. I am so keen to do a class. Loretta thinks I need to wait a few weeks as it is full on and a bit more advanced. God I can't wait to get in there. I know what she is meaning though. It is not that she is saying I couldn't do it, it is a very hard class and she knows I will get there. Have to be realistic and not come out with injuries from pushing too hard. Happy to wait it out. Will certainly do my program, Spin, Pump and Aqua classes. I will become a very fit machine soon enough!  I am just pumped that she knew to push me and that I'd respond well!

oooh had a dilemma today. Met my friend Loretta, Jacque and another 2 ladies I hadn't met at McCafe for coffee. Kids could play thankfully. So anyway had a awesome 1/2 strength Latte!!! That's not the dilemma. It was what to eat for lunch as we met at 11am. Nothing on the menu I thought was worthy of eating. Well not after I had an awesome session! Jacque was good too holding out. I felt um I don't know weird that I didn't eat anything. I felt like I was one of those skinny freak women saying "oh no can't eat that it will go to my hips". But you know what I am going to be one of those ladies. I am going to not eat shit cause that is where it is going to go! I want to be pleased about my health and know that I am fuelling my body with good wholesome foods! Sure I can have something once in a blue moon if it really warrants in but I don't want to factor bad shit into my diet. I want to know that my body is taking in only wholesome nutritional food. Sure I can have a chocolate bar but do I "need it" Will my body benefit from it??? The answer to that we all know... Um no. I can hear Toni yelling now. ha ha. If there was ever a freak of a woman out there who does not eat chocolate then it is her. But you know what she doesn't eat it cause she knows it has no benefit and she doesn't like it. Me on the other hand I like it. But I know I can give it up. Shit I got through the worst PMS month ever without chocolate. I know I can do it. My downfall is going to be coffees. But I will allow my treat as I don't have many through the day. Just one coffee occasionally. :-)

ooh and I will walk as much as I can when outside my gym sessions etc. So if I visit Jacque or Loretta etc I will walk not drive. So close and so much easier!!!!!!


Ps: I will post about my food tomorrow. Off to bed for me. 930 already and i want an early night for once. I made a very yummy omelette for dinner so will post that. Forgot to take a bloody foto!!! Was delicious!

Honest Report of Today's Food

Breakfast:   234 Calories
45g of Uncle Toby's Protein Plus (3/4 cup)
125ml of Pauls Smarter Milk (1/2 cup)

M Snack:      186 Calories
1/2 Up and Go Liquid breakfast, Choc Ice Poppa
10 Cashews (works out to be 15g)

Lunch:       400 Calories
Zucchini Pattie Doner Kebab. (wrap, 1 Zucchini Pattie, tomato, onion, tabbouleh, lettuce, bbq sauce and hummus)
Disappointed with lunch but will explain my choice later.

A Snack:    243 Calories
bite of Eleanor's cocktail frankfurt. have recorded as a full frankfurt.
Moccona Latte Stick with 2 sugars and tbs milk
1/2 banana

Dinner:      371 Calories
Wendi's Chicken Parmigiana with Mixed Veg

TOTAL CALORIES: 1416 Calories
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ok so a bit of a mixed day. Quite a disappointing day really as I am pretty good and stay within my 1200 calories.

Morning started off well and it wasn't until I decided to go to Maitland that it went pear shaped. Other than going to a cafe for lunch there was not much of an option really in the mall. I didn't want to do cafe as it was close to Lucille's sleep and Eleanor was being fidgety and a wee bit naughty. I was hoping I'd find a Subway so I could be somewhat healthy in my choice. So I was left with Donut King and a Chinese place and the Kebab shop. I opted for the Kebab as I really didn't feel like Chinese and it didn't look nice sitting in the trays it was in. The Zucchini kebab was a good option as the meat option can be a bit more higher in calories. Of course the best option would be no Kebab but it was the only thing I could think of at the time. Maybe the Donut would have been better but I figured I'd be getting some nutritional value in my meal as opposed to just fat with the Donut. Normally if I go to Kotara or Charlestown I'd get Sushi or a Warm Thai Beef Salad from Sumo Salad which is under 400 Calories.

By the time we got home and I was stuffing around with the girls my arvo snack was a let down. Well not really, but if had I not taken a bite of Eleanor's cocktail Frankfurt it'd look better. I'm not beating myself up about it but I need to be mindful of this as it is 70ish calories for one. I also love my Moccona Latte Sticks but they are naughty and I really should have tea which I am still better off without but it is a better option when it comes to Calories etc. I can't believe the latte sticks are 78 calories alone. Which I suppose is not too bad BUT when I have milk and sugar it puts it up there. I may try swapping to no sugar in my tea and if I "treat myself" to a coffee then I will use Equal on one of those. Yes they are just as bad for you but I don't do coffee normally and when I do it must have sugar. I will use my coffee sticks as "a treat".

Looking at my day I can see where I need to adjust. Mostly be more prepared when I go out. I wasn't going to Maitland. Andrew had the car at work and then decided last minute to bring it back so I could get some groceries. So I headed to Rutherford and then thought let's go to Kmart which is Maitland. Rutherford would have been fine as there is a lovely little takeaway shop there too.

Normally my snacks I'd have nuts, sultanas, Yogurt or some rice thins with tomato and cottage cheese on them.

So I'll fine tune this :-) get myself organised too now not just the girls if heading out.

Ah wait now before you head off there is dinner :-)

Michelle Bridges has a Chicken Parmi that she does in her programme. And ok it is "alright" but lacks flavour. Hers is about 260 Calories for total meal. She uses just tomato paste as the base which quite frankly I find bland and reminds me too much of a bland pizza base.  She has a tomato and basil salad but I wanted veg tonight.

So here is my healthy take on the Chicken Parmi. I have a  pic too which I almost forgot to take so I've uploaded my half eaten piece :-) When I cut the chicken I ended up with more a piece weighing 125 grams than 175g. As I wanted to weigh it to see how my cutting was :-) So my serve would actually be lower calories but will just leave it as is.

The ingredients serve 2 people :-)

WENDI'S CHICKEN PARMI AND VEG  371 Calories per serve
350 g Chicken Breast (this is roughly 1 chicken breast)
Spray of Olive Oil
1 can (410g) Diced Tomatoes
3 clove Garlic crushed and roughly chopped. (I love chunks of garlic in mine! You can chop finer if that is your taste)
2 teaspoon Gourmet Garden: Italian Herb Blend
1 teaspoon Chicken stock powder
3 Mushrooms
3 tablespoon Ricotta
2 tablespoon grated Parmesan
2 cups mixed veg (I used frozen mix of Broccoli, Carrot, Cauliflower)

1. slice the chicken in half through the length. Pound these with a mallet to get them slightly thinner. Spray the pan with some olive oil. Just one spray is all I use. Cook these until brown on both sides. Set aside
2. In a separate saucepan  place the tomato, garlic, mushrooms, herbs and chicken stock. Cook on medium heat until mushrooms is slightly soft.
4. Spoon the Ricotta onto each chicken breast. Placing half of it on each. Sprinkle with the Parmesan.
5. Place in oven on 180 degrees for 30 mins. (I left mine in for longer as I got sidetracked with getting Lucille to bed but it was definitely cooked. Leave it until the Parmesan is browned. I leave mine in for 30 mins to ensure chicken is cooked through)
6. Serve with the mixed veg

LOVE IT!!! Sooo yummy!!!!! As you can tell I had almost finished it before I remembered to take the pic! So I apologise that it is not a better pic. Andrew is not a fan of the Ricotta so much so I added tasty cheese TO HIS ONLY!
You can lower the calorie and fat content I am sure by using fresh tomatoes, omitting the Parmesan but the total meal only had 6.1 so roughly 3gms fat. (I use Calorie King to calculate my meals) I like it the way it is though will use fresh tomatoes next time and fresh herbs. Though I do like the Gourmet Garden range in the Fruit and veg section.

If you try it let me know :-)

Food Diary

The PT has asked us to do a food diary of ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING that goes in our mouths. So I will do that and I will record it on here also. Just to keep me honest and I guess to really show what my day is like. I know I promised that I would do that anyway but have been slack. I guess cause I have to do it, I will do it on here too!

Hoping to be very honest.... no no I mean I am going to be very honest with measurements and types of foods I am eating. AS she said I may be eating right and sticking to 1200 calories BUT am I mixing the right foods ie too much fat,sugars, still too high in carbs in the arvo?? I am following Michelle Bridges and I am substituting a bit.

I will say I can't wait until Andrew goes away for food reasons. I can really work out some nice salads, stir fry and stuff so that when he comes home it will be second nature. I've decided against getting Lite'n'Easy as I need to be taught to cook right not have them prepared for me. See how I go in the first week anyway. I feel confident my food will be ok. Just have to be mindful of those moments of finishing the girl's food mindlessly.

It is all about being honest and prepared for change. I can't keep doing the things I've done in the past, as look where it has gotten me. I am extremely overweight, dare I say Obese.. OK yes if I am going to be real then yes Obese and unhappy. Seriously unhappy. But change is coming.

So excited!

Today I was invited by my friend Jacque to join her and another friend at a meeting with a PT. The PT runs a class at the gym called Fusion. Serious work out apparently. She is an ex army PTI so is fit and toned as.

Our meeting went through where we are at food and exercise wise, what goals we would like to achieve and what we are are willing to do to get there. Now some may think this is a little too much effort and if I do my own thing I will get there and you don't need  PT to do it. Well I am a woman who has 30+kgs to lose, have numerous health issues and need to get sorted asap. If I don't have Toni here in Singleton to kick my bum in some sessions then I'll not get anywhere. I thrive on that kind of motivation. Someone to tell me to push that little harder than I am giving.

So she is going to do a program up for us to use for the gym and home, go over a weeks worth of nutritional info and then let us know where we need to tweak it, and do a PT session weekly or fortnightly (depending on our own funds. One income families is hard when paying already for gym membership)

I really like her. She seems like she will tell you like it is, push you when you need it and be compassionate when the need is there. She actually reminded me a lot of Toni. She didn't look anything like her but her personality struck a chord with me. I am so excited to  get started with her.

She said that trying to eat nutritional whole foods is the way to go and eat less processed foods.  I advised that I had started the Michelle Bridges program again and was following her 1200 calories. She said that she was really good at what she did and it was a great programme to follow. She still wanted me to write down a week of food so she could see what I was doing especially when substituting foods. I may not be doing it right.

The one big downfall she said that mums with young children have is that we finish of our kid's food. You know what ... she is right. Numerous times in the morning I have eaten my breakfast and when the girls don't finish their toast I'll eat it or sandwich at lunch. And when I think about it, these are not calories I am counting. That would also count for when cooking. Those forkfuls "when testing" whilst cooking become calories not counted. I guess it would seem like overkill if you were to count these as well but it can mean up to an extra 200+ calories unaccounted for. When trying to lose weight that can add up to a successful week.

So I will add into my goals for the week to;

• throw the girl's food in the bin immediately once can not be finished eaten or saved for later on for them.

I am really excited about having a program done for me and having a great variety and someone to push me. I need to do this for myself but also so that my girls have a mum around for a lot longer than her health at the moment, plans her to be.

Shopping trip

well bugger me I so bloody hate shopping. Like really hate it. I will find any reason to end up buying for the girls if I set out on a shopping trip for me.

As I have mentioned previously I am in need of some shorts and a decent bra.

So off I pop to Cessnock to have a squiz in the Target and the Big W out there. My friend Loretta has moved with her family here recently as her hubby got posted too and I dragged her out with me. Well not long into the shopping trip and I am already over looking for me and start looking for the girls. SERIOUSLY!!! The moment I start looking at the bigger sized clothing and how daggy and unfashionable it is I think nah that's me done. The shorts were all short shorts and I don't do short shorts. Um seriously why provide shorts that barely cover your thighs to women Size 24 and above. Um seriously!!!!! I don;'t mean to offend anyone who is these sizes but please tell me you look good in these shorts. I am currently 16/18/20 (depending on the make) and I would not wear shorts that are mid thighs. Shit I hate wearing swimmers to Aqua but I do... well I have no choice but I do.  So as soon as I see the clothes that I love being in the smaller sizes that is me done... I switch off, no more looking and I move on. Loretta found some great buys but me... nope. Oh wait I did.. for the girls.

I didnt even bother looking at Bras as I have never brought Target branded ones and they don't have anything bigger than DD. Um hello a F here. yes yes every woman's dream to have bigger boobs.... well except mine.. I would gladly take a reduction any day.. Well I will be when the weight starts dropping.... but it'd be nice if it was right now.. I just really want to wear some really nice decent clothes and look at myself like I have in the past.  When I had only lost 10 kgs as per my inspiration photo, I could look in the mirror and say you look lovely today Wen. At the moment all I see is a tired 36 year old woman who is at her limit and needs to drop some weight and feel good about life again. I know beauty is skin deep and deep in my skin is a lovely woman who loves her friends and family to bits and would never hurt anyone she loved or allow anyone to hurt them. A woman who loves jokes but is shit at telling them as she forgets the punchline so often! A woman who is a great confidante, listener, and shoulder to cry on when needed. Who loves to hear laughter around her and share drinks with her mates. But I also want to love the external me too. yes yes it is only skin and we live in a superficial world BUT I am not asking to look like Cindy Crawford (though she is one hot woman and I'd change teams for her!!!) I just want to be healthy. To look in the mirror and see a woman who is healthy and vibrant again. A woman who is a perfect role model for her children. I'm not asking people to tell me I am beautiful, I don't expect my husband to tell me I am. I need to be the one telling me I am.. And I will.. I know I will one day

Oh which reminds me. I thought I had a pair of shorts that I wore prior to getting pregnant. I couldn't find them recently when I looked but thought hey it is certianly worth another look after my failed shopping trip. BINGO, found them. They are not my favourite pair. But they fit nicely and will do for the next couple of weeks.

So I figure it is time to be planning a trip to Erina Fair on the Central Coast asap. I have never been, have heard it is massive and feel like it is the trip for me. It has Myer, Big W, Target, Kmart as the major stores and 300 speciality stores... 300 PEOPLE!!!!! So excited. It is 2 hour drive from here BUT OH SO WORTH IT. Hope the weather stays nice. Due to school times it is not possible to drag Jo, Loretta or Jacque along with me and I want to go NOW!!! Maybe I will just wait and go one weekend when Andrew is away and drag Jo along. Maybe I'll just go to Kotara this week or Charlestown. I could even go to Westfield Tuggerah for something different. Still a bit of distance but something like Erina needs to be done with girls. ..... big girls not just my little girls. I thought about buying something whilst it was one sale to be a goal outfit but I have those already. There is a dress I have kept from when us girls used to hit the Quarterdeck in Townsville for cheap drinks on the weekend. I only wore it a couple times ... I have never really done dresses, never been a girlie girl. But for some reason I have always kept it. I'll take a pic and upload it and I will hang it on my walk in robe door. I'll use it as my inspiration pic..

Anyway enough from me. Time to hit the hay.

Good Morning World

ok so this morning I have jumped on the scales. Only a 300g shift. I know it is a tub of butter and I am thankful that it is no longer on my bum or where ever it came from, but I wanted more.

Shouldn't be expecting it though due to my lack of exercise last week, also a week of severe PMS and not 100% in my food. We as women of course, well we want more on the scales. But I am realistic and not sitting here saying oh why? poor little old me? Nope. I've made some commitments to myself.

These are:

• to exercise every morning on the treadmill when Lucille has her morning bottle. Then my exercise for the day is done and anything else is a bonus.
• I will stay true to myself food wise and eat clean. If I slip up it is ok. I am human but I'm 110% committed to do this and will not fail
• I will make my week with Eleanor and Lucille fun and spend quality time playing in the park or doing other things. Be more active
• I won't sweat things that aren't relevant to me and my life nor enrich it in any way.

 Above all I will simply enjoy my week, fill it with exercise, good eating and lots of fun. Because if I am going to live a happy and enriched life it is up to me.... nobody else is going to do it.

Tomorrow

I will weigh-in in the  morning. See where the past week has taken me and then move on.

This has been the worst week for me in regards to PMS. I now have some new herbal meds that hopefully will set me right for next cycle. I have anti-inflammatory meds for my elbow so hopefully that is on the mend.

I will:
focus on cardio this week and stick to my 500 calorie burn
fully note all food that goes in my mouth, sticking to my 1200 calorie limit.
keep a smile on my dial and not worry about things that are out of my control
spend quality time with my girls and get outdoors more

Here's to a great week and another week closer to the release of the inner Wendi!

Beliefs

Why do we believe in something if we can not hold true to that belief? I love my girls and I want the life for my girls that I had when growing up. A family that went out and did family things, trips to Wiseman's Ferry and other scenic spots. Arvos in the pool. I remember us all cramming into the Ford Falcon station wagon with dickie seats in the back. Waving to cars as we parked at lights and being generally cheeky. Sure there was some really heartbreaking moments in our youth. Things I won't go into it but I shut those out and remember the good times which were really great.

My parents raised us to stand on our own two feet, to respect your elders, to share in the household chores and that there isn't boy and girl jobs it is every one's task. To not lie about what we are doing or where we are going.

I have a fabulous relationship with my parents. I don't know if that stems from being the middle child and also being the one who lived at home the longest, though I think Ben has surpassed me. My mum is my best friend. I can tell her absolutely anything and do. She does not always agree with things I say or do but she listens to me and then supports me in that decision. We only became best friends once I became an adult really. Before that she was always mum, the person who set my boundaries, made the rules and helped me to grow as a person. I never thought of her as my best friend. She was mum. I could always go to her and talk to her but she always had her mum hat on. She ensured that I had the best information to make decisions. I know I have disappointed her over the years in various things but I know that I have tried to live by what I have been taught.

An incident occurred on FB recently where a teenager close to me had been talking about drinking on the weekend to her friend, then I see a post about her having a drink over the weekend. From the conversation had with her friend she was going to a party though I didn't see her mother's post at the end indicating any knowledge.  Anyway I commented and said I was disgusted that she would be drinking at such a young age and getting into those crowds etc etc. Especially after bragging about it on FB. I know that we have all taken drinks of our parent's drinks and my girl friends and I had given my brother some of our Lambrusco when out one night. But in saying that I know it was wrong and I have said numerous times that it was wrong and I myself was fairly young and stupid.... though still 18. 

Kids grow up in such an adult world these days and so keen to become adults and smoke, drink and have sex. You are such a kid for the most shortest time in your life. It is such a previous and gifted time. One you can never get back. You have the rest of your life being and adult and doing adult things.  Anyway I stand by my comments and if loved one's under the age of 18 start drinking well before their time then I feel passionate enough to say I am disgusted. I know there is peer pressure and those sorts of things but I got through my high school years without getting involved in wagging school, drinking parties, smoking etc. Yes I had earned the title of miss good two shoes from my siblings but I don't care and still don't care that "Wendi is the careful one". I have a good life and loved my 20's! I don't feel that I would have gained anymore or felt robbed by not drinking as a teenager. Sure I had a drink on my formal but it was a celebratory drink at a friend's mum's house before we left to go to the formal. Yes I tried smoking once and just never found the attraction to it and still don't. I don't find women who smoke sexy or attractive at all... don't get me started on the waste of money or even health issues. Yes I wagged school once when we were being posted to Townsville from Sydney. I figured I am leaving anyway. Yes I told mum cause I can't help myself. I know right from wrong and just never had a secretive nature. I want to bring my girls up the same. That lies don't get you anywhere and there are no secrets. I want them to know that there is boundaries, that they can talk to me if they need to but know I have strict rules in regards to things like this.

I was so angry and pissed about the comments left by the mother as initially her line of argument was about me saying I was disgusted in her daughter. Well yes I was. Being under the "assumption" that this had occurred at a party with friends and bragging about it on FB is disgusting. Having a sip of wine etc in a controlled environment is different to endorsing a full out kids party. Anyway after some back and forward comments it works out that she was at a party with her mother and she was there blah blah blah.  ok different story. Not a drama... why not say that in the first place FFS

I do feel that things got heated and out of line. I apologised and feel that maybe I should just not voice my opinion. I try not to imprint my opinions on people as I hate it when people do that to me. Things when you are pregnant, giving birth, raising children.. just in life and general. I try not to be one of those people and say it must be done my way as I am right. I know I didn't in this instance but I let my passion for what I believe is right get me angry unnecessarily. Any way live and learn.  Let others do their job as the parent. I can't make them see my way, nor make my thoughts and ideals be theirs. I'll just focus on my daughters and being the best role model for them and giving them a life which is full of love, trust and guidance. Not much more I can do than that.

Now where is the chocolate??? KIDDING..



Why?

ok so I was thinking about my last post and thought maybe I needed to address a few things

firstly the pressures women feel the need to put on themselves... especially pregnant women and new mums. These is so many pictures out there in the media depicting happy glowing mums to be, with perfectly round bellies and who look like they have stuck a watermelon up their shirts... still skinny as but with this perfectly round belly.  How far from reality really is this!?!?! As  I said I have been so lucky with my first pregnancy and I guess with second.. I put on minimal weight with both, Eleanor I had no morning sickness just extreme tiredness and with Lucille it was terrible morning sickness up to 16 weeks. I enjoyed being pregnant 50% of the time.  My belly was not perfectly round but it was still beautiful. I never really felt pressures to have my body in any particular shape weight etc. I think I thought about that part rationally. Each body is different so how do we expect ours to look like the pics when pregnant when they don't when we are not pregnant.

Then comes private, public, natural, c-section, drugs, no drugs. That itself is a mine field. I did both. Eleanor was private as we had that option available to us in Qld and I liked my obstetrician who was highly recommended and I certainly would use him again. He was not pushy, he gave me the information I needed, cared for me whilst pregnant and explained complications and what may be needed if they did arise. I liked the hospital. The information from the mid wives was conflicting especially when it came to breastfeeding.  Lucille was born in Singleton Public Hospital by our mid wife Ann. My doc never made it in time. Both girls were born naturally though with Lucille I could have done with some drugs! Pleased I didn't but it was not from lack of trying... Ann just ignored my pleas for it and was busy with myself and another lady being emergency evacuated to Maitland Hospital as she had complications. The midwives pretty much run the maternity section of the hospital and they have clear consistent information. I would recommend both as my experiences with public and private were both great... natural or c-section that really is personal choice and what is occurring at the time... I don't know if I'd plan to do a c-section as it is major surgery really and the recovery is longer than natural but I would not knock it back in any emergency situation. Thankfully I never had to be placed in that position but you have to do what is right for bub and do not judge. Oh one stressful thing about making the decision to birth local and public is that if complications did rise then you had to be emergency transported to Maitland... but my pregnancy was fine so there was no foreseen risks. I saw my doc weekly and Lucille stayed in position right up until birth.

ah the big debate Bottle or Breast... Well of course breast is best.. Any monkey knows that.. Now one difference I can say between the two hospitals or maybe even states I am not sure is that the hospital staff are so equipped with the most clear and consistent knowledge when it comes to breast feeding.  And you certainly get the feeling of breast is best and you will try it. Even after my failed attempt with Eleanor I still wanted to try with Lucille.  She latched on to my left without any real effort after we got her over her premi behaviour with feeding and sleeping (she would feed for 5-10 mins and then sleep for 5 hours. She dehydrated herself from lack of feeding. Of course my fault too that we ended up in hospital but I thought she was getting enough and the first week coma was kicking in) My right always gave her grief. She was always fussing and screaming when it came to my right. I got assistance from my mid wife and the lactation consultant. She was brilliant. I tried expressing my right, massaging and all other things that were recommended. I was getting so depressed and feeling like a failure. I went to my doc (trying to learn from previous experience of feeling blue and reaching out for help) so extremely hard when away from your family and friends in a new town and not knowing anyone well by then. Anyway he basically said that I had to make a choice either keep persisting with my right and hope it comes good or give up. He really wasn't helpful to the situation when I look back. Of course a mother who is desperate for a good night sleep, for her naughty 3 year old to return to normal because mummy was consumed with having to feed her sister and then express in my free time to try and get my right working. It was a very strict schedule. Feed for 20 mins on both sides, express then for 20ish minsbaby at the time and she is thriving still and that is all that matters. She is now loving solids and I have to be thankful for that. If I had another baby... GOD I HOPE NOT.. but IF I had another baby I would try again to breast feed and try to gain even more help if it is needed...

anyway the point of this post was to say that with all these pressures we put on ourselves is it no wonder that women feel overwhelmed when we become new mothers and struggle with social interactions, that we compare ourselves to others?!?!?! I guess though it comes down to the support and understanding we receive. You would at least hope that the support and understanding you give normally to others would be bounced back to you in your time of need.... I guess  sometimes life just doesn't work that way.....

Oh and I do say I am not a perfect friend. My god by no means am I, but I do feel that I am caring and compassionate and would .. I don't know... assume that when I am in my time of need that those qualities would be bounced back to me.. I didn't give up on that friendship... I just stopped fighting for it as a fight involves at least 2 people and if one is fighting and the other stops then it is time to stop....

ok so that is out and I think now I am ready to move on!!!!!!

Amen I can hear some people shouting... um Toni... but I think if we don't deal with things and they bottle up then we eat them when they rear their ugly heads...hence the big butt affect ha ha..

So I am moving on.. finally.. I am moving on.. I am not sad the close friendship is over... I am happy it was shared for the time that it was.

Doctor Visit-- um womanly topic-- read at own risk

Well I finally decided to get my elbow sorted out after I injured it on my trip to Townsville. What happened was I had gone to the Hermit Park Shops and just as we pulled in a stupid trolley came rolling towards the car as some retard couldn't walk 5 meters to return it. ANYWAY. So I quickly opened my door and reached my hand around to stop it hitting. Jarred my arm. It has been sore for ages. Have good days and bad days. Mostly days when I'd lifted Lucille heaps it kills at night and a lot more recently after Aqua.

So saw Dr Brooks here in good old Singleton town and she was lovely. Highly likely I have tendinitis in it!!! Yeah great NOT. So she has given me some anti inflammatory meds for a fortnight, no lifting, no aqua or any other upper body.. well arm exercises anyway. FARK! So it will be mostly cardio for me for the next fortnight as I can't do push ups, burpees, tricep dips and any other weight bearing exercises
:-( POO
Don't worry I aim to flog myself cardio wise to stay on track. I can still do lunges and other lower body exercises.

Ooh and while there I chatted about my migraines. As I said previously since having Lucille I have had the worst migraines once I started getting my period back. I went back on my old pill and shit they were bad.. the migraines I mean... And the moods.. oh my god the moods.. at times I could murder a whole nation of men if I was given half a chance ha ha. I'm usually pretty good with them..
So she says that I have been so fortunate to not have them before and been pretty lucky to even have always had light ones.. SORRY BOYS IF YOU ARE READING THIS... anyway we can trial me on different hormone based pills to see if they make any difference but she stated "it was a long shot". She suggested using aspirin to "cure" them as opposed to Panadol and Ibuprofen. She explained why it works more effectively and assures they stay for a shorter period but while talking to her Lucille was fussing a bit so I have forgotten and I am sure if I googled it I would remember. But at the time it made sense. So next time I have a migraine HOPEFULLY THERE ISN'T ONE, I will trial it. 

Unfortunately she couldn't give me too much assistance other than pills to try and fix it. I don't want to go back on a hormonal pill. I don't have a particular reason really other than I just don't want to! Andrew and I discuss the snip for boys all the time and he says yeah ok I will but I really do think hell would freeze first. I must admit I am ok with the idea of me just doing it. I honestly don't care. My priority is not having anymore children. I just don't want anymore. I love my girls so much and would not give them back for anything in the world ever. But I just don't want any more kids.  I hate the baby stage. They are so dependant on you and you don't know what is wrong with them at times and there is so much pressure on breastfeeding, and just overall what you do with your babies that I just don't want anymore pressure on myself.

As those close to me know I struggled big time with Eleanor.. She was a dreadful baby. Mostly at night time....but also through the day too. She had severe Urinary infections which at the time we did not know what was causing them and by the time she was one we did and she was operated on. Thankfully no UTI since but she was a handful. There was no easy way to get her to sleep. I know now it was not that I couldn't get her into a sleeping pattern it was that she was in pain. I felt so bad cause at times I wished she'd disappear and just be quiet. I think I really struggled with a mild PND but never got diagnosed or wished to be diagnosed with it. Not that I think that there is a stereotype or anything like that, I was always a strong woman and thought that when it came to me having babies I would cope no dramas at all..I am unfortunately someone who tries to deal with things on her own and if you push and ask me what is wrong often enough I will spill my beans.. Persistence.. My family especially knows this..

 My pregnancy with Eleanor was a dream. ..minimal weight gain, no morning sickness.... I loved it. Labour was good, no painkillers. Was awesome... god can Labour and awesome go in the same sentence???? I failed at breastfeeding as my right breast would not produce... 3.5 weeks in and it is Good Friday, she is not getting any milk I made the choice to formula feed. That was a hard decision as I always thought I'd breast feed. I had two friends who breastfed and it was always seeming easy and second nature to them but not to me. As the issues with Eleanor began to arise I struggled with social gatherings. I stuck to a very close group around me and shun those who I felt critical of my mothering or not supportive of me.. I had a wonderful support in my friend Dee who was always checking to make sure I was okok. Anyway long story short I don't feel connected to them anymore due to the lack of support and understanding I received from them. We chatted about it one day and I tried to rectify the situation but it felt like a me and against them kind of stance and I made the effort to not cancel, but it never got back to normal. I just don't think they understood it or at least tried to and made it more about them and their feelings than how I was feeling and my reasons... there was even a tree that my cancellations were notched up against and a tally recorded of Wendi's cancellations... ok that is a bit far fetched but yes I heard a tally was recorded whether that is mentally or physically recorded I don't know.. I agree that by me cancelling often  prior to our discussion that I'd be pissed too but when you make every effort afterwards and it is still not enough to shake the tag of pulling a Wendi again it is time to move on. I don't think I could ever get the friendship back to how it was before Eleanor no matter how much I tried as there was always something to compare to... if I had attended 100 functions and missed one I'd have failed. I am pleased we were friends and recaptured a friendship from school after losing contact for a many years but the path has run its course... I can't keep justifying myself nor can I shake the feeling of inadequacy I have when with them now..

Anyway let's get back to story at hand. I decided a few days ago that I would see a Naturopath to try and get back on track. This week has really crippled me. Even if my elbow was ok I still wouldn't have been able to exercise. I had no energy due to the feeling the Migraines left me with and the lack of sleep I was getting due to them.  I went to Greenhills which is a Stocklands outside Maitland. About 40 mins+ from here. Anyway geography lesson over... I saw the lady in there who is a Naturopath.. I didn't know this prior to going in, I found out once in there.. she was the most helpful lady and so knowledgeable. I told her my symptoms and she told me the answer. ... well what I hope is the answer.. It is in a little bottle of Chinese herbs that can assist with Menstrual migraines and all other PMS symptoms... Must take 4 tablets a day for 7 days to get it in my system then down to 2.. Um what is in it???  peony, licorice, ginger I can decipher those ones then there is Cypress rotundus, ligusticum wallichii, and a few other ones with lots of letters of the alphabet.. I researched some of them on the net and we may just be on to a winner here. FINGERS CROSSED.. So now my migraines are gone I can get back on track... Monday weigh in will determine how good I have been with my food and lack of exercise.. But it is ok I am not going to beat myself up about it no matter what the weight as I have had setbacks this week and I have tried to focus on getting my food  right... Whilst I have not been 100% in my food I know that I have eaten less sugar, less carbs, less butter, and more fruit and veg... oh and no biscuits and no chips.... big things for me.. I usually share some with Lucille and have stayed strong to that... So see how it goes. If anything I am just getting it fine tuned this last week and ready to rock with both exercise and food from Monday...


I had a look on the lite n easy website too at their meals. Looks good. When Andrew leaves on 19/2 I will buy these for  dinner only. I figure that if I have to not worry about what I am eating for dinner then it will make things easier. Sometimes when on my own and after I have gotten the girls sorted for dinner all I can accomplish is toast.... If I have ready made meals then I can eat a lot more healthier... and earlier and know it is taken care of... I have however looked at the price and dinner works out to be $11 roughly a meal whereas I can buy the ones from the shops for $6ish.. though Toni after you telling me how they make these or rather what is put into them I am reluctant... Maybe I need to find out how other mums doing this who are on their own manage to eat healthy dinner meals after getting the kids sorted.. We don't normally cook separate meals but Eleanor likes her faves and just wants them sometimes... anyway it is a thought... I am looking forward to eating things Andrew doesn't like, things like stir fry, rice paper rolls and just things like that. 

So anyway I am looking forward to seeing if these tablets work by next cycle. Bloody fingers crossed that is for sure.. ooh and hopefully the anti inflammatory kick in quick too.. Just have to make sure I keep my arm from lifting things... see how we go..

Food for today

Ok now I am needing to keep in 1200 calories roughly and try and keep my carbs low and the fat too.

As I have said I am not following any program as I feel that I get that feeling of restriction or "following something" and I don't want that. I have a cook book that I have recipes placed in that I love and have worked out the calorie content  on them and also supplemented some of the ingredients for lower fat varieties. I figured I will be able to eat similar meals as to what I did in the past but just make them a bit lower in fat and lower the carb content or stay away from carb rich meals.

In case you are wondering what I am eating (Toni) my day so far has looked like this;

50g lite ham
slice of multi grain toast
tsp butter
TOTAL CALORIES:                          180
TOTAL SATURATED FAT:             1.7G

Ok so I have not ruled butter out completely yet but I am now measuring it. This will help me to control how much I am having and eventually because I can no longer taste it... give it up completely. I've gone from dipping my spoon into the tub and taking out whatever fits on there aka big chunk to a tsp so I am making changes

My snack for morning tea was a tub of Yoplait Forme No Fat Strawberry:  67 CALORIES

Lunch:
2 boiled eggs
tsp curry paste
tbs 97% fat free mayo
tortilla wrap

TOTAL CALORIES:              332
TOTAL SATURATED FAT:  5.2G

For dinner as it is so wet and miserable I think I will make a stew. Trying to find a nice low fat recipe. I would love a Beef and Red Wine casserole.... hmmmm yummy

 ok I am off to find a recipe.

oh sorry for the whinge before. You know how it is.. sometimes life sucks big ones! But me big girl panties are on and I am dealing with it...

Wendi has left the building... do not read if you need inspiration

I am seriously struggling at the moment. These shitty migraines are really pissing me off! I feel crippled. I have a constant nauseated feeling. And before any of you say.. she is pregnant.. not a fat chance in hell that has happened.... much to Andrew's distaste I am sure (not the pregnancy part but more the action).... Might be immaculate???

The weather is effing miserable too. Constant rain. Cold and gloomy.

I have been so tired from lack of sleep. Not just from period pain and migraines but Lucille had the worst sleep last night and she is my best sleeper! Eleanor was in my bed at 445am with another night terror and was promptly marched back to her bed. I had no compassion at all I'm afraid I was so tired. She ended back in about 5am and stayed there. I couldn't be effed moving her. Andrew carried her out at about 530am. Lucille then wanted her bottle at 630 and of course Andrew didn't have the brains to give it to her himself. He kindly let me know that Lucille was stirring..... I did let him know of course in not so polite terms that he is already up why can he not give it to her!!!!!! So back to bed I go until 8am. I feel like a truck has run me over, reversed up several times and then drove off with a big squealer!!! Needless to say I have not gone to Aqua today and I am pissed about it. I have been doing really well eating wise and keeping a firm eye on this. BUT I need exercise too! I know don't push, let my body rest when tired blah blah blah but without exercise this weight is not budging.

Anyway I am so grumpy and so over feeling like poo. I blame Lucille. I had a good cycle before she came along and never had migraines :-( little bugger. Lucky I love her to bits or I'd have put her in the rubbish bin by now... KIDDING

It is just hard when you are struggling with your weight, trying to get back on track and then you get this crap. Probably not the ideal week to have started as we all know how much we struggle at the time of month. It should only last for another day or two.

I am going to see a naturopath though to get my health on track. I think my hormones are really playing up and this must get sorted.  Or I am suffering PND but I will go down the hormone path first.

Anyway that is my whinge for the moment. If I write it down it stop me from eating the feelings... right!!!! Don't worry I am not falling off the wagon.. I am eating well still. I am not giving up or anything like that... I can't

these two monkeys are counting on me to do this